that flower

Summer always comes with memories of you.

It's been so long, but I still ask myself once in a while, if I hadn't run away from the problems back then, would I have eventually mended the damaged, strained relationship between you and me? It's not something I'm able to answer. I'll never be able to find the answer to this question, because I was weak and escaped from my problems.

It remains in my heart as my biggest regret. I was useless and wasn't able to persist through even small hardships. I'll never be able to resolve this problem; all I can do is just to run further away from my own regret, my own painful memories. Looking back, as much as I would've wanted to solve things, it wasn't something I could achieve easily in a short period of time. I suffered miserably, and I wasn't strong enough to endure it. I deserve the consequences of fleeing irresponsibly, and that's what I'll always blame myself for.

I hate to think of it as a story that was put to a sharp halt without a satisfying ending, but it is what it is. All that's left is the unpleasant memories that I no longer speak about, still here to haunt me everytime I think about it. It will never have an ending, it will never be resolved. I chose for myself a safe path to protect myself. I knew that the path would never lead to any destinations, and that it would just lead me to stray further off, but I was afraid of facing my problems, I foolishly chose to run away from them instead of rationally sorting things out.

You've changed so much as a person, but you're still the same person. I still admire and respect you the same way I did before, and that is something that will never change. The past is not something that I can just put down and forget about, it's something that I will carry with me every step I take in life. Your influence has become a part of me, and you're part of the reason why I've become the person I am now. As much as I would love to reconcile with you someday, I've learnt to accept that it's unlikely to happen. I was the one who was weak and useless. I was the one to cause all the problems by running away from them and not facing them properly.

It will be very selfish of me if I was to be so concerned about our relationship. What matters to me most is that you've found your strength and happiness. I'm incapable of being a person you're satisfied with, and that's okay. As long as I'll make you happier by stepping away, I'm more than glad to do so.

For me, the problem is resolved as long as you've forgotten about it. I'll eventually forget about it as well, even if I'll take a bit longer. It'll never be resolved, and I know that, so I'll learn to just let it fade away. If our paths meet again someday, I hope I can develop a new friendship with you, as if nothing ever happened and we just met.