it's painful.

It's painful.

Okay, probably that first short paragraph made it seem like it was some sort of deep pain, but it's just about something I happen to be upset about lately.

It's just about friendship in general. I was pretty much a friendless loner for the first 6 years of school life, or even more. Before, I said that I'd be really grateful even for a friend or two. But that was before. Now, it's not that I don't have friends. Somehow, I managed to find myself some trustworthy friends who don't mind me hanging around.

But that's not enough, right?

I have friends, hopefully ones that consider me as a friend too, but they I never seem to matter to them as much as they do to me. Generally, it's always me having to apologize and give in whenever conflicts arise. When something goes wrong, it's always my fault. I'm always the one who needs them, not the other way round. They're sort of similar to sad one-sided love, except it's duplicated and it's friendship. It's always me wanting to talk to them; they can live perfectly without talking to me.

And sometimes, I feel that, perhaps, I still live in the shadow of my past. Those days when I'd spend all my time alone. Those days when they secretly giggled about me. Those days when they saw me as this disgusting person unworthy of attention. Those days when people hid my belongings and never gave them back.

I still remember those clearly. They've become my limitations, my fears. "Will this make them exclude me again? Will this cause them to gossip about me?" I'd ask and warn myself before doing anything. I don't want to be that unwanted girl that ruins the moods of the entire community. "Does she hate me? Am I annoying?" Those are the two questions that I ask most frequently.

Then I would ask, "is there something wrong with me as a person?" The friendship issues that normal people have are usually gossip, exclusion and things like that, but for now, my concerns are why people will never treasure me as much as I treasure each of them. I've been asking this question forever, probably.

I don't exist to be that one girl who lacks self-confidence in herself to beg for pity. Neither do I exist to make you look down upon me and say that my views of myself are pathetic. Nope, you don't have a say.

I don't know if I'll ever become a stronger person mentally, but I'm sure that the sadness of this issue is slowly distancing from me. I am sure, that one day, you won't be able to look down upon me and pity me anymore.