loneliness ⊙v⊙

I get lonely really easily, despite my well-known "loner" character. I enjoy being alone, but at times I do get really, really lonely. At times like this, I never really know how to get over it.

I'm not a "loner" character for no reason. For example, I'd rather eat alone than eat beside my parents or anyone. During weekends, I prefer eating out alone, or even getting takeaway and shutting myself at home. Don't worry, it's not that I've been traumatized or what, it's just that I feel most relaxed and comfortable by myself at home. I basically never eat out with anyone, except for some cases where I really want to. And those cases almost never happen.

However, sometimes, it feels extremely lonely, especially when I'm in a bad mood. It sort of haunts me, that kind of horrifying empty silence. For some time, I'd feel as if I were alone on earth, as if there would never be an end to such loneliness. Fear would overpower me, and I'd feel helpless. I am no good with such situations.

Sometimes, I get mortified by such feelings, and I desperately want someone to help me. Even though such incidents don't occur much, the feelings are very deep every time. It's like I'm thrown into some kind of pain for hours, and afterwards I end up traumatized. Until the end of my life, I'd remember such helpless times and feel scared because of it.

Even though I despise the fact that I have to depend on others, even though I hate the weak, helpless side of myself, I can't solve my own problems. Others make up a big part of my life; however much I dislike this fact, it is already a fact.

It's not something I feel safe talking about directly, so forgive me. I don't like talking about it either, but at times of extreme loneliness I feel the need to.

Sorry.