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Is my childhood already over? Memories still exist in my mind, but somehow... they seem so far away from me. There were days when my mind was occupied with trivial things, but those days aren't within reach anymore.

Life was simple. Worries came from the weather, from the rain. Would today be an indoor day, or would we be able to play outside? Would there be no homework, or would there be three tasks? That was what we pondered about back then. They were such simple matters that occupied our minds, so simple that I can't believe it right now. "She isn't willing to play with me," we'd moan about. At least she made it obvious instead of gossiping about you secretly, right?

It was another rainy day. Looking outside the full-length window in the classroom, I saw small raindrops splash on leaves. There really was nothing else to pay attention to, so I stared at the rain. The ground outside was soaked, without a single person in sight. "It's another indoor day," we'd sigh to ourselves as we quietly sit and enjoy our lunchboxes, the little plastic ones from the school caterer. We became ecstatic over the different lunchboxes of the day.

Arguments used to be about what games we'd play.

"I want to play Block!"

"No! I want to play Candle! Block is boring."

"Listen to me! We must play Block!"

Even though some would sulk at the beginning, everyone played happily in the end. It was extremely tiring, but the place would be filled with laughter which healed me as a kid.

I would be bothered by the fact that I couldn't run fast enough, that I was caught by my peers. But we'd get immersed in the happiness of the games. Nobody mentioned the tests after the lessons. Nobody mentioned any sad feelings. We just ran around, screamed and laughed. Of course, concerns like being caught would fade away quickly afterwards.

We'd fuss over the one or two careless mistakes we had made, or the small spelling mistake in the dictations. Conversations went like this everyday, discussing nothing but trivial, insignificant matters that happened to be the only problems in our mind.

Or we'd feel upset about the fact that we weren't invited to a party, or the fact that we couldn't find a project group. The feeling wasn't even 'upset', it was just a small thing that didn't have much impact afterwards. "Oh she's bullying me," was what we'd always say with an expression of injustice, but what did we know about bullying? Instead of thinking about the reasons we had been excluded, we'd just sulk over the exclusion itself. After the party or project, of course we got over it.

Years would end with me looking forward to the end of next year, so I could become a senior girl as soon as possible. I never thought of anything seriously; all I longed for was that feeling of superiority. I didn't think about the responsibilities and hardships that came along with it. It was such a naïve thought.

Years passed like that, one after another. Impatiently longing for our first eating-out experience, wanting to go to school ourselves. We started to complain about the school lunchboxes, about how disgusting they were. Feelings towards the friends and enemies beside us deepened. Senses of competition developed.

"Why are you always better than me?" I'd watch my friends question each other. Although at first it wasn't really jealousy, their feelings developed as time passed by. We started to feel inferior, as we were more aware of the differences between us as individuals. We wanted to be better than each other so badly. As a result, we put all our effort into doing something that tore us apart.

I remember leaving the old campus without any feelings. It was about to be demolished, but I didn't feel any sadness. However, as I grow up, I start thinking about my old days in that campus, and the fact that it no longer exists really saddens me. As we grew up, our feelings heightened along with our knowledge. We started to think deeper, which caused us to hide things from each other, more and more as time passed by.

During the paper checking, the competition would be taken to the next level. As things became harder, some of us still did well in exams while some didn't. There would be people silently celebrating their high marks, and there would be some getting upset at their poor results. Nobody felt happy or sad for anyone anymore. There would be brief words of consolation or congratulations, but they were all so empty of feelings. More people compared themseleves with the others.

Rivalry wasn't the only thing that destroyed happy friendships. Our hectic schedules also stood in the way of our time with our friends. We all became work-oriented, spending all our lunch hours working on our own tasks. Even if we were free on certain days, we'd worry about the tests after lunch.

That is why we all long for some free time. We'd feel more relieved than ever during our free time, as they became rare. We would make the best out of the free time, even if it was very short. It really healed us, even amidst our hard times.

It was really tiring at first, but we got used to it as time passed by. It's not a big deal anymore, as I gradually taught myself to accept such a life. Feelings were to be suppresed, something that I've come to learn over the years. We weren't kids anymore. We couldn't get away with saying immature things anymore.

As I matured bit by bit, I came to understand that a person needs to sacrifice a lot of things when we make choices in life. Work was to be prioritized. Instead of considering what we wanted truly, we learnt to think about what others wanted, so we could get along properly and eventually produce better results together. Before we noticed, we had become human beings who hid our own feelings.

Forcing ourselves to forget our own feelings, or even neglecting our own needs became our habits. Of course it's not always as serious as I mention here, but come to think about it, haven't we all had instances where we had to take back our words to avoid further trouble, even though we firmly believed in things? Before we knew it, our childhood was already over. It was as if it had run away from us, getting farther and farther as the days pass by. We forget about the fact that our childhood is already over, and when we realize, it is already too far away for us to see.

Right now, I can say that I'm proud of myself because I've matured a lot over the years. I can feel accomplished because I've learnt how to adjust myself to get along with others. I hate thinking about the fact that my childhood has already left me. I hate acknowledging the fact that life is no longer simple, with all the dark secrets and rivalry. I hate seeing people break down beside me because they feel inferior, excluded or useless. Most of all, I hate to know that I'm no longer able to completely be myself. I hate to know that I have to conform to many things so I can achieve more. I'll make myself think about my achievements, and I'll escape from the thoughts that I'm no longer, and can never become a child anymore. I've thrown away my childhood carelessly, but I'll try my best from now on.

I didn't realize my loss, not until the memories appeared before my eyes again. Perhaps they say that ignorance is bliss, but I really can't ignore it, not anymore.

I saw, with my own eyes, girls running around the field, seeking shelters along the pillars, running from one to another. They were running around with lots of laughter; I could see that it was pure bliss. They wandered around the field, eyeing the catchers. Occasionally saving the girls who were caught, they continued running from the catches together. It healed me. Like the old days, girls would trip and get hurt on the grass, but they quickly brushed it off and continued running. Their laughs were so carefree, but somehow I don't understand the feeling of it.

I ran along. I allowed myself to laugh along, and was immersed in pure joy. It was as if my childhood came back to me. Rivals and enemies, they all came and ran together. It seemed so real to me, as if my memories finally revealed themselves to me again, in reality. It was right in front of me. Even if it was only for a few ten minutes, I was more than thankful. To do old things with the same people, it was more than enough for me. I couldn't really see clearly anymore, overwhelmed with tears and the bright sun shining that day. 

It was just the same as the scene in my memories. It came back, didn't it? Yes, except for the fact that it's no longer my childhood anymore. The muddy field had been replaced with artificial grass, innocent kids had slowly grown into busy teenagers. Somehow, the silhouettes became taller, laughter became louder, but it was a familiar feeling, wasn't it? I guess it was time for me to accept the fact that it wasn't the same anymore, it was just me fooling myself to believe that my childhood had come back.

But it's okay, right? We laughed with stronger feelings of happiness and relief than ever. After all, it's the same scene from my memories. I remember it, and it has just happened again in front of my eyes.

This is not a flashback, it's a continuation.