stories of the past

If you read my older posts, you would realize that I was an extremely sad and pessimistic person. My posts nowadays have turned a bit brighter thanks to my adjusted mindset, and the difference is quite shocking to me. Nowadays, I rarely feel as hopeless and painful as I used to, but those feelings do come back sometimes -- when I recall my old memories.

To be honest, I do remember a lot about my own past, but the memories are limited to painful ones and very rare happy ones. My past 13 years of life exist as painful times in my memories, as I've spent a lot of time worrying and mourning over things. There have been times of extreme sadness and hoplessness, and I still remember every single detail of every one of those events, as the pain and torture is still inside my memory.

A person is shaped by her past, as the people say. There are certain trivial things that I'm afraid of, small problems that I try too hard to avoid, and that's because of certain past events that have been forgotten by the world, but not me. As much as my experiences have helped me become a wiser and stronger person, they have also caused me fear and trauma. When some things happen, I find an association between it and one my of painful events in the past, and it triggers my extreme fear.

With the countless broken relationships in my past, I become more and more unsettled about my present ones. Will I do stupid and selfish things that would make this person leave me, just like the ones did before? Or will the people beside me slowly drift apart, just like the many friendships that faded away in the past? Those tend to be the first concerns in all of my relationships.

Such upsetting things, however little they affect me nowadays, the ones in the past still hurt me. Rather than worrying about the future, I fear that past disasters will reappear in front of me and hurt me the same way the did before, in such a way that I'm no longer able to stand back up, which is what I'm most afraid of.

I realized, that the small bits of pain never left me after all. They used to be little, but as they piled up and became shadows that I lived in, they became a huge part of my worries.

Honestly, I'd say that recently I've been quite happy. Not exactly happy, but I've managed to free myself of worries and the kind of hopeless feeling that I've always hated. I guess that it's because I've adjusted my mind to think more positively, supported by the fears of the darkest periods in my life. They are rather dark parts of my life that I avoid talking about normally, but since this is a personal blog, I'll do so.

During the exam period, around early December 2014, I was probably at my worst state. I would come home crying every single day, for nothing at all. At first the tears were just for a simple flunked exam, then the focus shifted to something worse, the pressure to make the top 30. Even after I decided fully to give up all targets for marks, I became scared that my fear would worsen the marks, which caused another fear. The final, biggest fear was that I'd never get out of this deep hole.

I'm afraid that such a problem will happen again in the future. It was such a helpless state in my life, being scared about the uncertainty in the future. It was definitely abnormal for me, as I enjoyed exploring in life with surprises. That was when I realized that the impacts of that time were deep.

It was probably the most desperate I could be. This was just put briefly, so if I have time I'd want to write a whole post about it. For now, let me prepare myself for a scary event.