there are a lot of things I can't forget (3)

It wasn't long after that my fear evolved into another kind of fear. I became fearful of myself fearing my own fear, because that made me so useless and hopeless. The fear became deeper as more things added to it, and I started to think about darker things, like what if I never got out of this whole bundle of fearful things. It was a scary thought, far too much for me to take in at that time. Before I knew it, I had started destroying myself again, this time at a level so much deeper than before.

I never got out of it, actually. The moment I stepped into my home alone, I'd start crying, stopping and continuing for hours. I could've used those hours to help with my revision, but I didn't. Instead I just cried and cried, without my fears going away. At that point, I had become so fearful of the future, as I had lost all hope in it. I would spend time thinking how tomorrow would destroy me deeper. It was a very terrible thought that made it harder to step out of it, even now. 

Things hit rock bottom after my maths exam. I did the exam, already feeling inferior beforehand, which pretty much determined the result. I wasn't able to calculate any single answer properly, and it made me so scared. I had never failed any test or exam in my life before, and I didn't know how to face it. If I really failed, I'd have to admit that I didn't possess the ability to even pass the exam. My pride was gone before anything even happened. It would be the end of the world to me if it really happened that way. Speaking of this incident now, it seems weird how I thought this way, but that day was really dark for me.

Honestly speaking, I didn't really bother with how my marks turned out before. However, because my marks were generally quite decent, I wasn't able to accept such a big and sudden drop. I didn't want to face reality anymore, but my conscience kept reminding me of it. For three hours, I dwelled on the same fact that I might end up failing my math, which was obviously unacceptable. Tears started gushing out uncontrollably, in attempt to release all the troubles and damages in the past week or so. Everything piled up and became so much worse -- I wasn't even able to idenitify or feel any sadness anymore, it was just a plain feeling of pain.

I wasn't able to stop my tears, but I had to go outside for a lesson, so I forced myself to stop by distracting myself with other things around me. Even though I had stopped crying, my eyes hurt so terribly, I became so drained of energy, it really didn't make any difference. 

Crying never really stopped, but I managed to sustain myself emotionally until the end of exams, finally. Normally after exams, I'd always go home and spend some time alone to relax. That day, after the last exam, I pulled myself to go hang out with my friends. We sat in the park and ate lunch. It was an insignificant trivial event, but I was finally able to release all of the negativity. I still remember how I finally saw light in my life, after such a long hard time. It was possibly one of the biggest turning points of my life.

Since then, many things had happened, many that are far too awkward and embarrassing to mention explicitly. There were up and downs, but they were so small when compared to the previous events. I worked hard to adjust my attitude, change my goals in life, and it still shocks me how much I've improved in terms of mentality in these few months. I still don't like to speak positively as it sounds totally clichéd, I still have my deep feelings of sadness, but it never gets beyond that. Unlike before, I won't build up burdens on myself, never will I destroy myself, nor will I worry until the point that it becomes painful. Although depressing, I'm grateful for this experience, as it has made me understand how severely I have been damaging myself everyday. It's all because of this that I'm able to release my own burdens.

If the same thing ever happens to me, will I be able to save myself from it? I hope that one day, I can give a certain 'yes' as my answer.

These days, I believe that I'm in my happiest state ever. There are still terrible things that upset me, about which I still cry as usual, but I'm able to find and believe in the brighter side of everything, and make myself continue on doing things. I still get depressed and write about some dark things on my blog every now and then, but I now believe more in changing my own attitude to solve my problems. 

Obviously it's not the end of my story yet, but that's pretty much it up till this moment. I don't know when the next wave of sadness will hit me, but I've surely found a new ability of changing my own mindset.

Others aren't obliged to help me; things don't have to go my way. Even if I'm fortunate enough to have kind and supportive people around me, it's ultimately my conscience and my own mind that solves the troubles inside my mind. If I don't even help myself, who will? I've come to understand that my fears do nothing but occupy my mind and distract me. If I were to spend time worrying about faraway, big things, why don't I put my mind into doing to small things now, that will build up the big things bit by bit? It's certainly much easier to the brain. Everything feels more reachable, but it doesn't mean that you'll never reach your big goals.

No mistake of mine will have the power of ending the world; there's always a way for me to start again or catch up the things that I've missed. This makes me sound like an emotionless, blind optimist, but in fact I still have strong feelings of regret and sadness. What's different is that I still feel the hope and can hopefully live better and perform my best.

That's it for my story-like thing. I hope to continue documenting my life, so that I'm able to remember bits and pieces years after. As usual, please take care of me :D