you

This is another one of my open letters to anonymous people who don't read this blog.

I haven't particularly talked to you much these days, not even in these few years. It wasn't particularly heartbreaking or whatsoever when I lost my friendship with you years ago, it just faded away so silently amidst my overwhelming feelings of hatred and disgust. I've been questioned a lot on whether I hate you, and the answer used to be yes. Right now, I'd say no, because I don't anymore.

I used to admire the many qualities you had, with you being the truthful and mature person you were back then. I don't know when you became such a hateful, judgemental person, perhaps it was somehow my fault. I absolutely adored how you fought for your beliefs with such determination and passion, and how you could be so honest towards me. Back then, my mouth was filled with so many pleasant things to say about you; I admired you with all my heart.

Then, somewhere along the way, you somehow changed and became a judgemental and proud person. Perhaps it was partly my fault for not making sure that we stayed on friendly terms, and I perfectly understand why you'd think of me in such a lowly way. Even if those days never come back, I'm grateful enough for the laughter you gave me back then. Being understood so well by you made me feel very comforted, as we shared the same thoughts that nobody else had. And those days seem so far away from me, I've accepted the fact that they will never come back.

I won't in particular hope to re-establish such a friendship, because I've lost all hope by now. You could just continue on with your hateful ways towards me, and I wouldn't blame you. I really could've just lived on like I did before, and be fine without you. It's not that I even bare the slightest bit of significance in your life, but because of the previous friendship that we once shared, I'm not sure that I could just cut you away from my life like that. It was something I really cherished and held on to when I was younger, and because of that, I still believe that there's something pleasant in your character.

Even now, with you being so different than you were before, I've still learnt to appreciate your actions regardless. I used to look at you with eyes of such disgust, taking pity on myself because of the ways you've treated me. But now that I've learnt to think about it in another light, I'm grateful for your presence. I'm thankful that God has somehow reminded me of the connection that I felt with you before, and I pray that you'll somehow understand the hurtfulness of your words. However, putting that aside, I still admire the plainest, unchanged part of you -- how you never hesitate to mention everything on your mind, to express all of your honest thoughts. You still fight hard for what your heart desires. And that, to me, gives me hope and makes me believe that you're still the same person after all.

Although I've given up on changing your mind with my own powers, I've not given up on believing that God will eventually change your mind. It's wonderful how your words of attack never affect me anymore, because I know at the bottom of my heart, with extreme comfort of trust, that it's your honest opinion. It was something you really wanted to convey to the world, and to me.

If that's what you want to think, and what you want to say, because I've made up my mind since long ago to believe in your opinions and values, I'll gladly accept them.

The eleven-year-old me decided to trust in you completely.