painful city
Today came with a flood of emotions that overwhelmed me, thanks to which I now feel the urge to write a blog post. I have a lot of things to say, some of which I've been silent about for a long, long time. It's not something significant, but it really scarred me in a way.
I don't really know how I feel about it now, but back then the pain made me so numb, I was able to bury all my feelings without really feeling them. A while back, I was reminded of them and they made me feel so painful and regretful. Just seeing the scenery of the city from postcards or even other people's casual photos brought back so much of those feelings. I felt incredibly lonely, although ironically there were so many people next to me I shouldn't have felt that way. It was almost like all the people surrounding me were strangers, and as time passed by, things progressively got worse without anyone to help me through the issues. In fact, I tried so hard to hide my feelings for so many days, it was painful.
The city's dark nights hid my tears perfectly. I definitely didn't want anyone to notice them, but during the night everything seemed so hopeless and difficult, sometimes I really couldn't hold them back. During that period of time, which was so short but seemed far too long to endure, I acquired the precious skill of faking authentic smiles. I promise you, it wasn't your typical pain-hiding smile that girls made to fake the illusion of a perfect life. I was, in a way, forced to force a smile because I knew it would be worse if I didn't. There was nothing else I could do, and in that very grave situation back then, it was surely the best thing to do.
During the day, I managed to find things to laugh at. Everything that I did seemed to be foolish and terrible in others' eyes, so I thought that I might as well laugh everything off. I spent hours and hours sitting there alone, trying very hard to adhere to others' groups. With the many quiet, long hours of plain sitting, I had more than sufficient time to overthink every single thing, which made it more terrible for me. I had lots of time to remind myself of how helpless the situation was, and spent time struggling inside myself. As much as I hated it, it was something I held so dear to myself for so long, it wasn't something that I could just decide to let go of.
The whole thing, in fact, started off quite desirably. In the beginning, everyone was still laughing together. Maybe I didn't know what was going on behind me, but it was definitely a lot more fun in the beginning. However, as days passed by, I figured that maybe I really wasn't meant for such things. Things were further made worse near the end, when pretty much everything turned against me. Things just went on to prove to me that I wasn't meant for something like this.
Everything worsened so quickly. It's hard to believe that just half a month ago, everything was perfectly fine. On the last night, all of us went out together. I awkwardly tagged along. Although it was very painful and uncomfortable, it felt like the best thing to do. I told myself that if I could endure through that night then everything would be over, everything would become history. But what made me more unsettled was that the near future seemed so dark and pessimistic. Even if I managed to get through the last day, painful events would still follow.
On the way to the airport on the last day, I looked out from the windows of the bus and took some time to enjoy the city. Although it was a lively and beautiful city, it held far too many painful memories of mine. Looking back now, I'm glad that I eventually freed myself from the hopeless situation by finally letting go. I never wanted to be reminded of the painful memories again. And as I said goodbye to the city on the plane later that day, I promised myself that I'd contain all the memories in the city and leave it forever. Hopefully by not revisiting it, I'll eventually leave those memories behind and let them fade away with the flow of time.
However, there are things that I can never forget. Even if slowly, I know that I'm starting to heal from it, but there are things that have been a part of me, and will always be. We don't even exchange eye contact anymore nowadays, and I no longer see you as the kind-hearted person you used to be, but that doesn't really mean anything to me. Because I treasured the memories and feelings so dearly in the past, I won't forget them so easily even though they're extremely painful for me. You still have so many qualities that are admirable to many people including me, and that is one sure thing that won't change, even if all other things change completely.
I've found new things to be happy about in life, and I'm sure that if I can get rid of my hateful and spiteful feelings, you can become one of my happiest things too. Although the end seems more than apparent now, it doesn't have to be a sad one for me. I've had so many happy things happen to me, and I've been influenced in many good ways through such experiences, and to me that's one of the greatest things in life. I'm not saying it with a sour tone at all, it's what I genuinely believe in. I'm very close to recovering from such spiteful feelings.
We walked a path of no return,
Now we can't meet each other again, we'll become strangers.
I don't really know how I feel about it now, but back then the pain made me so numb, I was able to bury all my feelings without really feeling them. A while back, I was reminded of them and they made me feel so painful and regretful. Just seeing the scenery of the city from postcards or even other people's casual photos brought back so much of those feelings. I felt incredibly lonely, although ironically there were so many people next to me I shouldn't have felt that way. It was almost like all the people surrounding me were strangers, and as time passed by, things progressively got worse without anyone to help me through the issues. In fact, I tried so hard to hide my feelings for so many days, it was painful.
The city's dark nights hid my tears perfectly. I definitely didn't want anyone to notice them, but during the night everything seemed so hopeless and difficult, sometimes I really couldn't hold them back. During that period of time, which was so short but seemed far too long to endure, I acquired the precious skill of faking authentic smiles. I promise you, it wasn't your typical pain-hiding smile that girls made to fake the illusion of a perfect life. I was, in a way, forced to force a smile because I knew it would be worse if I didn't. There was nothing else I could do, and in that very grave situation back then, it was surely the best thing to do.
During the day, I managed to find things to laugh at. Everything that I did seemed to be foolish and terrible in others' eyes, so I thought that I might as well laugh everything off. I spent hours and hours sitting there alone, trying very hard to adhere to others' groups. With the many quiet, long hours of plain sitting, I had more than sufficient time to overthink every single thing, which made it more terrible for me. I had lots of time to remind myself of how helpless the situation was, and spent time struggling inside myself. As much as I hated it, it was something I held so dear to myself for so long, it wasn't something that I could just decide to let go of.
The whole thing, in fact, started off quite desirably. In the beginning, everyone was still laughing together. Maybe I didn't know what was going on behind me, but it was definitely a lot more fun in the beginning. However, as days passed by, I figured that maybe I really wasn't meant for such things. Things were further made worse near the end, when pretty much everything turned against me. Things just went on to prove to me that I wasn't meant for something like this.
Everything worsened so quickly. It's hard to believe that just half a month ago, everything was perfectly fine. On the last night, all of us went out together. I awkwardly tagged along. Although it was very painful and uncomfortable, it felt like the best thing to do. I told myself that if I could endure through that night then everything would be over, everything would become history. But what made me more unsettled was that the near future seemed so dark and pessimistic. Even if I managed to get through the last day, painful events would still follow.
On the way to the airport on the last day, I looked out from the windows of the bus and took some time to enjoy the city. Although it was a lively and beautiful city, it held far too many painful memories of mine. Looking back now, I'm glad that I eventually freed myself from the hopeless situation by finally letting go. I never wanted to be reminded of the painful memories again. And as I said goodbye to the city on the plane later that day, I promised myself that I'd contain all the memories in the city and leave it forever. Hopefully by not revisiting it, I'll eventually leave those memories behind and let them fade away with the flow of time.
However, there are things that I can never forget. Even if slowly, I know that I'm starting to heal from it, but there are things that have been a part of me, and will always be. We don't even exchange eye contact anymore nowadays, and I no longer see you as the kind-hearted person you used to be, but that doesn't really mean anything to me. Because I treasured the memories and feelings so dearly in the past, I won't forget them so easily even though they're extremely painful for me. You still have so many qualities that are admirable to many people including me, and that is one sure thing that won't change, even if all other things change completely.
I've found new things to be happy about in life, and I'm sure that if I can get rid of my hateful and spiteful feelings, you can become one of my happiest things too. Although the end seems more than apparent now, it doesn't have to be a sad one for me. I've had so many happy things happen to me, and I've been influenced in many good ways through such experiences, and to me that's one of the greatest things in life. I'm not saying it with a sour tone at all, it's what I genuinely believe in. I'm very close to recovering from such spiteful feelings.
We walked a path of no return,
Now we can't meet each other again, we'll become strangers.
Comments
Post a Comment
let's all type some crap.