connect

While I was wandering in the collapsed world, I came to you as if I was drawn to you.

Your presence in my life isn't something that I can really explain to you. I don't know, really. I believe that I'm a person who talks with passion and dedication, but I'm sure that out of all the people I converse with, I'm able to pour the strongest, most genuine feelings into my conversations with you. You're a very special person to me, and I don't think you know that. However, it's alright because as long as I'm able to do the least for you in life, I'm beyond satisfied even if you're never going to acknowledge it.

I became a hateful person, despising almost everyone. I deserved to be judged and condemned for being such a judgemental person, but you always listened to me as I angrily talked about people I disliked. You didn't agree with me, but you listened to me everytime, and that itself is already amazing to me. I became such an irritable and ill-tempered person, a person so unworthy of any care or attention, but you cared to understand my feelings, despite the fact that they were not even slightly sensible. I became such a weak and helpless person, a house made out of cards that collapsed even with a gentle blow. I struggled a lot, and during my weakest time I wasn't able to do anything much, but you acknowledged the small bit of effort I made and kept me going on.

Your eyes weren't strong and affirming, but they were gently luminous and caught attention. I'm not sure if I see pain or happiness in your eyes, sometimes. Although you don't particularly hide your feelings, you are hard to understand. Sometimes, I have a feeling that you carry immense pain with you, but I'm not sure about it, and I don't know what to do. There are so many things to be upset and discouraged about in life, but life really isn't that hopeless and sad as you think it is.

It took me very long to find the first light of happiness that felt genuine and strong. I was a hopeless person at some point of my life, and it wasn't easy to adjust my mindset at all. It was difficult for me to genuinely believe that there was endless hope in life, especially during dark times when I was stuck in endless problems. However, such feelings were incredibly destructive, and killed all my remaining bits of hope. They were painful and developed hateful feelings towards myself. Slowly, those feelings corroded me without me noticing, and I became tired and hopeless. I'm saying this because I believe that you deserve not only a great future, but also a joyful lifetime that you'll hopefully not regret living.

I'm a naive person with no rights to comment on life whatsoever, but I genuinely wish that you're able to enjoy your days. We all have problems and uncertainties in life, but I'm sure that everything that occurs will lead to a better future for me, and for everyone else. God loves everyone just as dearly, and there's nobody that he takes care of particularly more than others. I believe that blessings are granted in different forms, at different times, so we should all learn to discover them and appreciate them. It might not seem likely, from where I am standing right now, that I will have the kind of bright and glamourous future that I dream of, but I know that bit by bit, I'm creating a path that I haven't even tried picturing before, and it will eventually lead me to a destination that's most suitable for me.

You've contributed so much to the happiness in my life, so much that I'm sure I'll never be able to repay you completely. It really frustrates me that I'm unable to help you the same way you helped me, and that I'll always receive so much happiness from you that I don't deserve. You were always so acceptive towards my problems, although if I were you, I would've been disgusted a long time ago. I'm such a useless person when it comes to this, but you took care of me nonetheless.

I don't know what will happen to us in the future, but I know for sure that my desire to repay you will stay the same. I can't expect myself to be able to do anything for you at all, but I'd like to see you become happy at the very least. In five years' time, you'll forget me for sure, and I think that's still alright. I'm happy that I existed next to you at some point in your life. Even if I, as well, end up forgetting you someday, I know that we can still work hard together and eventually meet somewhere, and hopefully by then you can wave to me with a bright smile on your face.

I'm very sorry.

Let's move forward in this world by shattering the overflowing shadows of anxiety again and again.