guiding light

It's been a while, hasn't it? 

Once in a while, I'd think and ask myself, what would've happened if we met somewhere else? Or if we met in a different time when things were calm, would we have remained on good terms? These are answers that I will never be able to answer. Things happened a certain way, and I can't change anything at all. 

Is it pointless for me to dwell in the past? Am I just hurting myself further by doing so? I really don't know. It was a part of my history that I treasured so much, so sometimes I think that it's worth all the suffering and pain. As I reminisced those past days, I realized that I loved and treasured everything about them. Even the pain and suffering eventually became sweet memories of those past youthful days. As much as frustration overwhelmed me and I started to tear up, I was grateful because it was you whom I thought of.

I thought to myself, maybe we were destined to become strangers in the end.

It's regretful that we were never comfortable around each other; maybe that was why our bond was so fragile. However, I did feel very special, being next to you. Frankly speaking, in those short months I spent with you, I suffered and worried more than feeling happy, but it never mattered to me. It wasn't healthy, considering how I spent most of my time worrying that you'd leave me someday. Nothing felt secure, nothing felt safe, but it was exciting, and I was happier than I had ever been.

The time we shared was short, but we experienced a lot of things together. There were times when we fought battles together, when we'd feel happy for each others' success. Your heart was filled with immense kindness and selflessness, and I could see that you cared for me so much. You listened to my concerns and problems patiently, and you eventually shared your stories with me. As I was so awkward in real life, most of our interactions were done through the screen. However, I could feel the connection between us and to me, that was more than enough. 

I knew that I wasn't good enough, yet you took care of me everyday. I was incapable of doing anything, I was weak and self-centered. When you showed me your kindness, perhaps I didn't respond with sufficient thankfulness. There were so many things I was afraid of. I was timid and sometimes didn't make effort to listen to your wishes, perhaps I never did what you really wanted me to do. Looking back now, I could've done so much better back then. It remains as a source of regret in my heart, and I'll never be able to wash it away. I never did as much for you than you did for me. I never deserved to be cared for so much. 

Did we even get along in the first place? You said we did, and I believed. I admired you so much that I kept distance from you. I didn't want to cause too much trouble for you, so I refrained from speaking up sometimes. As we grew closer, I became more afraid of losing you, so I hid my problems from you to make myself seem stronger. I guess that was how we eventually grew more and more apart. However, I wanted so much to be less dependant on you that I couldn't bring myself to tell you about my feelings of dissatisfaction. 

I know that it's something that I'll never be able to change. Instead of saying things like "I won't give up", I've accepted the fact that I was never destined to stay beside you. I don't like to escape from problems, but I feel that they're too hurtful for me to continue dwelling in. I've accepted the way things happened, and I've accepted our fate. Instead of being bashful about the things that have happened, I'm now more grateful that our paths crossed for a while, and I spent quite some time together with you. Right now, I can say that our times together have become a part of me as a person. Because of you, I've become better and happier in so many ways, and that alone is enough to make me feel thankful and happy.

As long as I haven't died yet, nobody can be sure about my future. It's not the end yet. It may seem like the end now, and it may seem hopeless and unlikely, but I'll always wait for a chance to meet you again. Maybe someday we'll meet again as strangers in a different place, and we'll become close again. Until that day comes, I'll forget about all the pain from our mistakes in the past, and strive to become a better person. You've accomplished so much with your impressive passion and effort, and although the success wasn't my own, I feel happier than I've ever felt before. Looking at you, I'm reminded to always work harder without feeling lost. I felt so back then, and it will always be the same.

I want to believe that we'll meet again. I'll always be waiting.