admiration
I've done many regrettable things before, so many that I find it impossible to name one by one. I remember very few of these things only those that I regretted and cried for deeply, and you're one of them.
I remember so much, in fact, too much for my own good. I remember how much I admired and respected you as a person, I remember how much I suffered because of you, and how selfish and ignorant of a person you turned out to be. I remember everything, and I can say that I haven't forgotten a single detail about you. I will remember everything that you've done, everything that you've said, not just by writing about you all the time on my blog, but by actually remembering every single one of your words in my mind.
The reason why I suffered so much was because of how much emotion and thought I put into you. It was painful, because I allowed my life to revolve around you, and because I decided to admire you regardless of your inconsiderate, cold actions. I had so much respect for you, and that was why I hurt so much when you did terrible things to me. At first you didn't seem special to me, but eventually, I started to think more and more about you. Before I could realize the possible consequences of my own foolish thoughts, I was dragged into my own emotions.
In the beginning, everything about you was delightful. You were kind, and you initiated a conversation with me via Whatsapp. You were one of the very few people who understood me well, and we had a lot in common. As I talked to you more, and you gradually shared more thoughts with me, I came to realize that our mindsets and thoughts were similar in many ways, and we connected on many different aspects. You quickly became the one who knew me best, even better than the friends that I had for many years.
Because you were always understanding and patient, I turned to you every time I felt upset because of things, and you would always respond quickly, console me with your kind words. Then, bit by bit, I depended on you more and more. I hated to depend on anyone, but nothing comforted me more than your words of assurance. Although nobody was on my side, I thought that everything was alright because you were with me.
Then, there was a period of time when we grew exceptionally close. I could feel it, and I went to school everyday with anticipation because I couldn't wait to meet you. You invited me out to lunch and told me a lot of things. I still remember that one night, when you texted me in desperation, telling me that you had lost yourself. You told me that you cared too much for the people around you, and that you weren't living life the way you wanted to, because of the pressure from others. I was very grateful that you trusted me so much to tell me so many things, and for the first time, I felt needed. That night, you told me, "people like you are very precious." It was the most reassuring thing that I had ever heard.
Because I admired you so much, and depended my happiness on you, the fact that you trusted me enough to tell me everything made me happier than anything else. That was the very least I could do for you.
But then, things changed rapidly. You're like that, aren't you? Confusing and unpredictable. I don't know why I wished for so much attention from you, but I often felt worried and neglected because you cared for others more than me. There were many barriers between us, so even though we remained friendly for a while, we weren't very close. For numerous reasons, I rarely talked to you. I admired you so much, I was afraid that I'd say inconsiderate things that would offend you and hurt our friendship. There were so many people around you fighting for your attention, I didn't want to cause you extra trouble by joining in. Also, I didn't fit in your group of friends, and I didn't want to be an awkward nuisance. For many reasons, I kept away from you.
I once thought that if I could become one of your closest friends, then I'd feel most delighted. At one point, we grew very close to each other, but I realized that it only made me feel more insecure, because I was constantly fearing that I'd lose you. I really didn't want anything to change for the worse, but when I became the closest I ever was to you, I felt many people fighting for your attention, and that made me very scared and uncomfortable.
Maybe it was purely my own fault for overthinking so many things. I didn't like fighting for attention, and maybe that was why I was often neglected by you. I thought that it'd be better if I didn't bother you and add to your stress by demanding your attention, so I silently stood next to you and watched over you. I wanted to be that one person you'd never have to worry about, and when you were weary, you could come to me. But things didn't work this way.
Did I not show enough of my desperation? I made it seem too much like I didn't care for you at all, perhaps. Or maybe I wasn't demanding enough to have you stand by my side anymore.
Before our friendship arrived at its dead end, I had suffered a lot. I can't blame you for it, because I was the one who depended on you too much, and couldn't handle my own emotions. I cried uselessly at home so much that I couldn't cry anymore, and I became so fragile that any small action of yours hurt me even more. I was always mortified that I'd lose you, and even though I never wished to have you all to myself, I became upset because you wouldn't even look at me at all. I spent so much time deciphering your actions and your motives, trying to analyze them and concluding on your feelings towards me. Everytime I thought about it, I'd realize that our friendship was going to fall apart someday.
What kept me going on was your occasional acts of kindness. Everytime you cared for me, I'd convince myself that maybe I was only overthinking everything. Those moments were joyful and filled with warmth, but at the same time I was reminded that this would all fall apart someday, and that hurt me more than anything else could.
The time when everything really fell apart suddenly, was during our trip to Taipei. At first, everything seemed perfectly fine, but the trip ended up becoming one of the most torturous experiences ever. On the first day, we were still fooling around at the airport. You were friendly, and you kindly spoke to me for a while. You sat down next to me and playfully told me to take a selfie with you, which I later posted on Instagram. Everything seemed perfectly alright, and I never thought that the picture would be my last picture with you.
After that, everything went downhill. One night, I was hanging out in your room when you received a phone call, and you said you needed to leave for a while. I knew there was something wrong, but as much as I felt worried, I couldn't do anything. I shut myself in my own room and waited for the worst to happen, trying to guess what the people would discuss about me.
The next morning, when I woke up, everything seemed odd and out of place. The atmosphere was painfully awkward, and I timidly hid by myself in the corner of the restaurant when we has breakfast. That whole day, I was isolated by everyone else, and no matter how hard I tried, nobody included me in any of their conversations. It was only the third day of the trip, and I knew I still had to endure three more days with those people.
To make matter worse, I was the only one who couldn't make it into the main selected group of six, and I spent all my hours sitting alone. When the seniors played, my teammmates would discuss their strategies alone, and nobody would even look at me; and when my teammates played, I'd sit with the seniors, with whom I has nothing to talk about. The practises were six hours long, and when I had absolutely nothing to do, I sat and thought about things. When I ran out of things, I dug out some more to think about. I started to think about whether this whole thing was suitable for me.
Putting all those negative thoughts aside, what bothered me even more was your cold ignorance towards me. When I asked you things, you'd become annoyed and throw me short answers. I was upset about so many things, and because it was you, I had nobody to talk to. I was afraid to talk to anyone about anything, because I knew clearly that everyone already had a very poor impression of me.
What happened that night when everyone else shut themselves in a room without me? I'll never find out, actually. Until this day, I still don't know if that was the reason you left me alone, but I'm sure about one thing that our friendship was fragile. I can only make guesses that our friendship fell apart because you heard malicious rumours about me, and you decided to believe them. What could've made you change so quickly? Maybe you were like that all along, and it was just that I was so naive that I believed you without a doubt.
You've accomplished a lot, haven't you? Nowadays, looking at you, I see that you've established your position as a well-respected, superior person in this school. Once in a while, I run into you at school. I really don't know how to face you anymore, I don't want to look at you directly ever again. There are so many words that I'd like to say to you, but I know I'll never have the chance to do so. Nowadays, I don't get affected by it everyday like I used to anymore, but on days like today, when I bring myself to think about it again, my heart still hurts the same way it used to back then. I realized that maybe I never fully got over the pain of losing this friendship.
You are my biggest regret. I regret letting myself depend so much on you. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable. Being with you wore me out so much, and it was all my fault. I don't regret meeting you, but I regret the fact that I was so easily drawn to you that I lost myself. I was foolish, and there were so many things that I would've done differently if I knew earlier.
Last but not least, on the contrary, I'd like to thank you for being such a significant part of my life. You taught me what acceptance was, and you allowed me to experience my own significance. Because I decided to admire you as a person back then, it will always be the same, because you are always you, and that will never change. Looking at how much you've achieved with your passion and dedication, I feel happier than ever. I've been honoured to be a part of such an amazing person's life.
Maybe in the future, we'll meet again. Nobody knows what lies ahead just yet, so I'll be waiting for the chance to talk to you again. I want to tell you my feelings and ask you about many things. Until then, I'll try my best to become a better person, a person whom you can be proud of, so that when we meet again, I can be a great presence in your life.
I remember so much, in fact, too much for my own good. I remember how much I admired and respected you as a person, I remember how much I suffered because of you, and how selfish and ignorant of a person you turned out to be. I remember everything, and I can say that I haven't forgotten a single detail about you. I will remember everything that you've done, everything that you've said, not just by writing about you all the time on my blog, but by actually remembering every single one of your words in my mind.
The reason why I suffered so much was because of how much emotion and thought I put into you. It was painful, because I allowed my life to revolve around you, and because I decided to admire you regardless of your inconsiderate, cold actions. I had so much respect for you, and that was why I hurt so much when you did terrible things to me. At first you didn't seem special to me, but eventually, I started to think more and more about you. Before I could realize the possible consequences of my own foolish thoughts, I was dragged into my own emotions.
In the beginning, everything about you was delightful. You were kind, and you initiated a conversation with me via Whatsapp. You were one of the very few people who understood me well, and we had a lot in common. As I talked to you more, and you gradually shared more thoughts with me, I came to realize that our mindsets and thoughts were similar in many ways, and we connected on many different aspects. You quickly became the one who knew me best, even better than the friends that I had for many years.
Because you were always understanding and patient, I turned to you every time I felt upset because of things, and you would always respond quickly, console me with your kind words. Then, bit by bit, I depended on you more and more. I hated to depend on anyone, but nothing comforted me more than your words of assurance. Although nobody was on my side, I thought that everything was alright because you were with me.
Then, there was a period of time when we grew exceptionally close. I could feel it, and I went to school everyday with anticipation because I couldn't wait to meet you. You invited me out to lunch and told me a lot of things. I still remember that one night, when you texted me in desperation, telling me that you had lost yourself. You told me that you cared too much for the people around you, and that you weren't living life the way you wanted to, because of the pressure from others. I was very grateful that you trusted me so much to tell me so many things, and for the first time, I felt needed. That night, you told me, "people like you are very precious." It was the most reassuring thing that I had ever heard.
Because I admired you so much, and depended my happiness on you, the fact that you trusted me enough to tell me everything made me happier than anything else. That was the very least I could do for you.
But then, things changed rapidly. You're like that, aren't you? Confusing and unpredictable. I don't know why I wished for so much attention from you, but I often felt worried and neglected because you cared for others more than me. There were many barriers between us, so even though we remained friendly for a while, we weren't very close. For numerous reasons, I rarely talked to you. I admired you so much, I was afraid that I'd say inconsiderate things that would offend you and hurt our friendship. There were so many people around you fighting for your attention, I didn't want to cause you extra trouble by joining in. Also, I didn't fit in your group of friends, and I didn't want to be an awkward nuisance. For many reasons, I kept away from you.
I once thought that if I could become one of your closest friends, then I'd feel most delighted. At one point, we grew very close to each other, but I realized that it only made me feel more insecure, because I was constantly fearing that I'd lose you. I really didn't want anything to change for the worse, but when I became the closest I ever was to you, I felt many people fighting for your attention, and that made me very scared and uncomfortable.
Maybe it was purely my own fault for overthinking so many things. I didn't like fighting for attention, and maybe that was why I was often neglected by you. I thought that it'd be better if I didn't bother you and add to your stress by demanding your attention, so I silently stood next to you and watched over you. I wanted to be that one person you'd never have to worry about, and when you were weary, you could come to me. But things didn't work this way.
Did I not show enough of my desperation? I made it seem too much like I didn't care for you at all, perhaps. Or maybe I wasn't demanding enough to have you stand by my side anymore.
Before our friendship arrived at its dead end, I had suffered a lot. I can't blame you for it, because I was the one who depended on you too much, and couldn't handle my own emotions. I cried uselessly at home so much that I couldn't cry anymore, and I became so fragile that any small action of yours hurt me even more. I was always mortified that I'd lose you, and even though I never wished to have you all to myself, I became upset because you wouldn't even look at me at all. I spent so much time deciphering your actions and your motives, trying to analyze them and concluding on your feelings towards me. Everytime I thought about it, I'd realize that our friendship was going to fall apart someday.
What kept me going on was your occasional acts of kindness. Everytime you cared for me, I'd convince myself that maybe I was only overthinking everything. Those moments were joyful and filled with warmth, but at the same time I was reminded that this would all fall apart someday, and that hurt me more than anything else could.
The time when everything really fell apart suddenly, was during our trip to Taipei. At first, everything seemed perfectly fine, but the trip ended up becoming one of the most torturous experiences ever. On the first day, we were still fooling around at the airport. You were friendly, and you kindly spoke to me for a while. You sat down next to me and playfully told me to take a selfie with you, which I later posted on Instagram. Everything seemed perfectly alright, and I never thought that the picture would be my last picture with you.
After that, everything went downhill. One night, I was hanging out in your room when you received a phone call, and you said you needed to leave for a while. I knew there was something wrong, but as much as I felt worried, I couldn't do anything. I shut myself in my own room and waited for the worst to happen, trying to guess what the people would discuss about me.
The next morning, when I woke up, everything seemed odd and out of place. The atmosphere was painfully awkward, and I timidly hid by myself in the corner of the restaurant when we has breakfast. That whole day, I was isolated by everyone else, and no matter how hard I tried, nobody included me in any of their conversations. It was only the third day of the trip, and I knew I still had to endure three more days with those people.
To make matter worse, I was the only one who couldn't make it into the main selected group of six, and I spent all my hours sitting alone. When the seniors played, my teammmates would discuss their strategies alone, and nobody would even look at me; and when my teammates played, I'd sit with the seniors, with whom I has nothing to talk about. The practises were six hours long, and when I had absolutely nothing to do, I sat and thought about things. When I ran out of things, I dug out some more to think about. I started to think about whether this whole thing was suitable for me.
Putting all those negative thoughts aside, what bothered me even more was your cold ignorance towards me. When I asked you things, you'd become annoyed and throw me short answers. I was upset about so many things, and because it was you, I had nobody to talk to. I was afraid to talk to anyone about anything, because I knew clearly that everyone already had a very poor impression of me.
What happened that night when everyone else shut themselves in a room without me? I'll never find out, actually. Until this day, I still don't know if that was the reason you left me alone, but I'm sure about one thing that our friendship was fragile. I can only make guesses that our friendship fell apart because you heard malicious rumours about me, and you decided to believe them. What could've made you change so quickly? Maybe you were like that all along, and it was just that I was so naive that I believed you without a doubt.
You've accomplished a lot, haven't you? Nowadays, looking at you, I see that you've established your position as a well-respected, superior person in this school. Once in a while, I run into you at school. I really don't know how to face you anymore, I don't want to look at you directly ever again. There are so many words that I'd like to say to you, but I know I'll never have the chance to do so. Nowadays, I don't get affected by it everyday like I used to anymore, but on days like today, when I bring myself to think about it again, my heart still hurts the same way it used to back then. I realized that maybe I never fully got over the pain of losing this friendship.
You are my biggest regret. I regret letting myself depend so much on you. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable. Being with you wore me out so much, and it was all my fault. I don't regret meeting you, but I regret the fact that I was so easily drawn to you that I lost myself. I was foolish, and there were so many things that I would've done differently if I knew earlier.
Last but not least, on the contrary, I'd like to thank you for being such a significant part of my life. You taught me what acceptance was, and you allowed me to experience my own significance. Because I decided to admire you as a person back then, it will always be the same, because you are always you, and that will never change. Looking at how much you've achieved with your passion and dedication, I feel happier than ever. I've been honoured to be a part of such an amazing person's life.
Maybe in the future, we'll meet again. Nobody knows what lies ahead just yet, so I'll be waiting for the chance to talk to you again. I want to tell you my feelings and ask you about many things. Until then, I'll try my best to become a better person, a person whom you can be proud of, so that when we meet again, I can be a great presence in your life.
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let's all type some crap.