precious

I've said it many times before, but you're a very special person to me. The more I see you pass by in front of me, the more I realise how much I need you in my life.

I've tried to convince myself many times to just let go of you, because we're people from different worlds, from different environments, and I know that very well. I know that I'll never be able to get closer to you, because we are so far away from each other. There's nothing that connects the two of us, and that alone explains why I should forget about you right now.

If we went on like that, and I never met you again, then maybe I'd slowly forget about you, right? You'd become nothing but a distant, faint memory of mine. That was what I thought sometime ago, but now that you've appeared in front of me again, I really cannot bring myself to forget about you. I realised that I needed you more than I had thought, and that you were a precious person that I needed to have by my side.

I realised that things wouldn't work our either way. If I were to hold on tight, there would be nothing for me to hold onto, and I'd only make a fool out of myself. If I were to run away from you, I'd regret it forever, and I'd feel very lonely and empty.

I realised it that night, when we were casually ranting about trivial things in our typical fashion, that I couldn't imagine never talking to you again. It was when we laughed together once again after so long that I realized how much we had in common. There were many things we felt similarly towards, so many things we do similarly. I never really spoke up about it, but I really treasured everything that I had in common with you, every moment that I spent with you.

I feel very conflicted, because the more I think about you, the more unreachable you seem to become. Am I overthinking everything? Or is it completely hopeless? There's nothing we have in common, if there's no chance for me to talk to you. It's difficult, because I want to convince myself that we're friends, but at the same time our lives don't coincide enough for us to care for each other. Even if I wanted to care for you, there would be no chance for me to do so.

You're someone I really want to take care of, someone I wish to watch over and protect. I don't think I'll ever have the strength and willpower to protect you, and I'm not really qualified to say things like these, but at the very least, I'd like to watch over you from faraway. No matter what happens, I don't want to see you get hurt, and I don't want to let you suffer. If, once in a while, there's something I can help you with, I'd do everything within my ability to help for sure. That's the kind of feelings I have for you.

I don't know why you became so important to me. You didn't have any qualities that were particularly admirable, neither was your personality especially endearing. However, I somehow saw myself in you, and maybe that was why I connected with you on so many levels. And that's probably not a good thing, but that was what I felt when I first met you. I don't know why these feelings developed in my heart.

I've been hurt too many times to know that what I'm doing now will probably hurt me in the future. It's painful watching you pass by me so many times, not even acknowledging my presence. I feel weirdly empty when I'm unable to talk to you, as if you've taken away a part of me. More and more, I'm depending my happiness on you, and there's nothing I hate more than that. You could do one mindless thing, and that could already destroy some of my happiest days. I hate that I can't control myself, but I keep telling myself that it's worth it. If I continue struggling on from here, maybe one day I'll find a kind of happiness that makes me forget all of my sufferings, and maybe I'll unexpectedly find something that I can be happy about forever. Nobody really knows what lies in the future, but I know for sure that if I run away now, there's no future anymore.

I like to think of it as an investment. The more I'm willing to risk, the more I can possibly get. Because I invested so many feelings and emotions into you, I'm prepared to suffer immense pain, if one day this all falls apart painfully. I know I'll lose everything, and I'll fall hard, but I won't just give up the slight chance that I still see.

If you ask me why I'm so determined, I only have a short explanation: you are my lost youth, and I've already decided to make you a special person in my life. There's no turning back, and I know that.