Blog 08/04/2014

Note: I took this down by mistake :/

This morning's morning assembly was on the topic of forgiveness, which I had a lot of opinions on. The sharing touched me extremely deeply, and I realized I had so much to say.

So I asked myself a simple question, "am I a forgiving person?" All along, I have been thinking that I can forgive easily, as my rage goes as easily as it comes. That was what I thought, until I suddenly realized how I still remember perfectly the ancient faults of other people. Honestly, some of the faults of other people still affect me emotionally, which means that I never actually fully forgave them.

I am unable to put down anything. Everything that comes to me leaves with a big impact. No matter if it's a scar left from somebody's one short sentence, or from somebody's selfish actions, it leaves me in eternal pain even after a long time. It's intimidating to think that everything leaves an eternal effect, so most of the time I just choose to ignore it, just like I try to fully forgive someone.

For example, there was a friend of mine who said thoughtless things towards my view of lingering in the past. Of course, I was deeply offended, and I was amazed at how naïve her statement was. I obviously enjoyed dwelling on past events and indulging in them, so that statement of hers hurt me a lot. I immediately showed my disagreement by staring at her with anger, and she quickly apologized. I considered that it was unitentional, and she was one of my favourite friends, so I didn't hesitate to tell her that it was perfectly alright.

I thought that it was over, but as I was writing this post, I reflected on it. I realized that even though I never mentioned it again, nor did I hate her in any way, but I had been thinking about it unconciously, and when I saw this person, this thing affected my views of her, so it was clear that I hadn't fully forgiven her.

And yes, I am such a useless person. I am unable to change my own future, instead I live in my own past. I am being my own demon, doing destructive things to hurt myself more and more. Someday, the burdens might as well just become too much for me, and I might crumble and break down. I don't want my future to be like my terrible, meaningless past. I have been talking about sweet memories for all my life, but as proud of them as I seem to be, I do not hold much pride of my past life. I shall forcefully control my own future for the time being, while I impatiently wait for the day when a miracle comes for me to be able to forgive.