there are a lot of things I can't forget (1)

Everyone has a story, and to me, it is the most unique and important part behind any person. Honestly, my story is nowhere near a heroine's touching story, nor is it comparable to a successful person's story of hard work, but since it's my blog here, I thought that it would be good to share a part of my story. I'm covering the past two to three years in this post, since my life before that was quite boring.

I don't think I've forgotten any event in my life, since everything that has happened has a big impact on me. Some of the memories, those that occured back when I was a child, are rather vague; I recall the feelings and events, but not the details anymore.

I've been a pessimistic and sad person ever since I knew what feelings were. I would constantly feel upset for no particular reason, and that puzzled not just myself, but also my parents. I would always complain about being sad constantly, but I never felt strong sadness until I was in primary five. In that year, I suddenly started crying so much I got mocked for it.

That year, I met a wonderful person, who was like a big sister presence to me. We are still friends up till today, and although we have distanced a bit, seeing her still reminds me of those days I first experienced darkness and did so many stupid things. To me, those things will never be forgotten.

I don't know how to describe those feelings; I just knew that I was filled with anger and hatred back then. It was because of that person that I hated another girl so much I wanted to destroy her, to make her vanish from my world. I became very anxious everyday, and I also started to compare myself to others. Although we have become decent friends, I still feel and recall the hurt the two of them caused me three years ago.

Another incident occured, in which I was excluded from the entire class. I was locked outside a room, watching the rest of the class laugh inside. I remember being hurt a lot because I honestly considered the class something I belonged in, something like a dwelling. After the incident, I was asked: "we're sorry. Are you mad at us?"

Rather than being angry at everyone, I became upset instead. I felt worse having people apologize like that, I'd rather be able to feel truly accepted by everyone.

They made me become doubtful of myself. That year, I started to worry about losing every single person I had, every person that I cared for. That was also when I decided that I should stop having strong attachments towards anyone. Being so young without any experience, I became very affected by it. Up until now, it still has a big impact on me. Some of the decisions I make still are influenced by it nowadays. As much as I hate to, I must admit that it still hurts me up till now.

Although there were many hard times in the year, I also experienced genuine pure happiness, and the year passed quite quickly. I said goodbye and silently tried to move on, while still holding on foolishly to the memories. I was still in a state of unhappiness when primary six year started. The memories are rather unclear, but I can still recall the feeling I had back then.

In primary six, I finally had my own friends, although little. It was a bit of comfort during continuous days of plain sadness. Somehow, the unknown feeling of sadness had gone away, but it wasn't that I became a happy and bright person.

I was a senior in the school, and I understood that. As foolish as this sounds, I gained a bit of self esteem from it. I was still constantly hurt by off-handed comments or insults, but because I felt hope and excitement for the future. Being in an upper form, exciting surprises came everyday, and I looked forward to tomorrow. I guess that was what got me through the hardest days.

During the darkest hours, I used to remind myself constantly, that when tomorrow comes something new and exciting will happen, so I can hold on until the sun sets again.

Many people said mindless things to me that damaged me further. They would just come up to me and remind me everyday that I had disgusting hair or something like that. Of course it isn't a big issue to me nowadays, but because I was so young and fragile back then, it really affected my way of seeing friendships and even myself as a person.

It also bothered me, how nobody took me seriously. People, even juniors, used to throw around my stuff and hide them, making them impossible to find. I became afraid and angry. I would question why the victim always had to be me, and I would explode in anger, sometimes even burst out crying.

I really hated this weak side of myself, but I didn't know how to walk out of it.

I never really understood and knew how these things happened until recently. As cliched as this saying is, everything really happens for a reason. I suppose that if I had taken another approach, those days would have been less tough on me, and it would've ended a lot earlier.

Another thing that made that year a very sad one was that the countdown until graduation started. I've always been the kind of person that, once I get accustomed to a certain place, I consider it as dear as my own home. To me, leaving the place means ending your journey, your story there, and it put me in vain and unsettlement because I truly loved that place so much, I didn't want everything to become memories.

From the many years in which I was totally friendless, I gradually became used to it and developed independence. I learned to gain happiness from myself, as well as to make small changes in my life to empower myself. It temporarily healed me and gave me some weird happy moments, but it never solved the problem.

I still recall the hard times, those days I spent worrying about the new environment as I enjoyed the last moments in my junior school, with the groups of people that I'd never want to leave. Exams were over in April, probably the last ones that weren't stressful to me. After that it would be days and days of freedom and fun exposure, but it also meant that the whole experience was to end soon.

After the exams came something that probably is still my biggest regret up till now. It was the volleyball competition that I had always been nervous about. After years of hard work, I was finally going to face the challenge myself and represent the school.

The details aren't that important; I don't want to talk too much about them. In the end we came in second, and until this moment, I still believe that it's my fault. I became so worried and felt threatened by a relatively weak team, so ridiculously scared that I burst into tears immediately. Yes, right in the middle of the court. Back then, I already knew how to feel regret and guilt, but now that I know so much more, I look back and feel so much worse.

I wasn't able to fight along with everyone until the end. I selfishly left everyone else to face the additional pressure alone. I didn't do anything to help; all I did was make it harder for them. The feeling of wanting to win the competition together with everyone else was so strong, but I couldn't stop my tears and ended up sitting at the side and crying even more.

Nobody really thought about this like the way I did, so I kept those feelings completely to myself. It took me quite a while to get over and talk properly about this.

Then came Outward Bound camp, something I'm pretty sure we will all remember clearly until we die. I won't describe it as something life-changing, but it definitely helped me grow a lot as a person. During those five days, I was also able to think a lot about the transition from junior school to senior school.

It was all about challenging ourselves, depending on ourselves but having good teamwork at the same time. To be completely honest, if not for the tough times inside the camp, I would be so much weaker right now. There were nights, even moments during the day, in which I felt lonely and wanted to cry, but the fact that everyone was around comforted me.

Until I die, I won't be able to forget those days spent in my thoroughly-soaked sports shoes, covering myself in the dirty raincoats with quite an unbearable odor. At some points, my body and mind felt so tired that I wasn't able to continue on, but thanks to it I understood that persisting through hard times was possible.

I guess that helped a lot in adapting to new, difficult environments.

Before I left junior school on the last day of term, our teacher in charge told me something that I still remember nowadays. She acknowledged my will to work hard, and told me that if I could become less scared about things, I would be able to do a lot better.

Since my whole life revolved around that at the time, I left junior school with such a strong feeling of regret. It still reminds me of my foolishness, but it's because of this that I'm able to smile constantly nowadays, genuinely being happpy. For that, I'm grateful as much as I feel hurt by it.

It seems that this post is far too long already, but the highlights are yet to come.

to be continued