there are a lot of things I can't forget (2)

If you haven't read the first part, please go read that before this one. It's in chronological order, so unless you want to read from the end (in that case, go to the end of this post), please read that first.

I used to think that I matured and changed a lot as I became a primary six student, but it really was nothing compared to the changes in my character as I transitioned from primary to senior school. Much to my surprise, I had no problem settling into the new environment, thanks to the help from everyone.

Facing all these new challenges, I was more than nervous. The whole unknown seemed scary and full of unsolvable uncertainties. I worried that I wouldn't be able to face the problems, since countless seniors came back and ranted nonstop about how difficult things were for them in the new school.

I still remember the scene of the placement test. A lot of us attended the tests with lots of pressure, aiming to enter the class of elites, which apparently gave lots of advantages learning-wise. I really didn't expect much and would be fine with everything, but somehow I came out with a result that surprised everyone, including myself. I didn't believe it until school started and things were confirmed.

But that was how I became so stressed and nervous about things.

Anyways, continuing on to my form one year. It was a year of constant change, exciting yet difficult challenges, as well as lots of new exposure that definitely helped me grow as a person. There were times I felt strong fear, a fear stronger than any fear before. There was also a feeling of strong doubt, as I started to compare my abilities with others. It was definitely hard on me.

The first thing I worried about was whether I'd be able to get along with my new volleyball teammates, and because of that I became unsettled for quite a while. To my surprise, everything went well, and I was mostly accepted into their community, which made me really relieved. A senior from junior school kindly introduced me to everyone, which helped me to start talking to people. Another kindly welcomed me and took the initiative to message me on Facebook, and somehow I was able to continue this conversation for such a long time, and the topics we talked about increased a lot in the past year. It was one of my first memories inside this new team, one that I still recall till now.

I was able to make friends, much to my honour and surprise. It unusual, sometimes making me shocked, but it made me feel very glad. Being able to hang out with everyone on days without school was something I thought I'd never experience, due to the experiences I had as a young child.

I didn't find academics difficult, which was more than a blessing for me. I would feel perplexed about dropping sets sometimes, but in general I never worried about my results, and they turned out decent. I never did well in academics as a primary school student, so I started to gain a bit of happiness and satisfaction from it, and it gave me a bit of direction in my life.

However, as a person, I knew deeply that I wasn't as happy as I appeared to be. Most people would pretend to be happy to hide problems, but I suppose I had a different reason. It made me genuinely happier in front of people, although I would suddenly feel empty and lonely when I was alone. But to me, it was enough -- to be able to laugh from the heart with everyone else was more than I ever asked for.

I no longer had social problems, and I got along with everyone. People were willing to discuss with me many things, even about what I did wrong as a kid, which made me very glad. I was delighted to receive feedback and finally realize the reason behind my childhood failure.

It was all because of the fact that I didn't stand up against people properly, and that at one point I gave up and persued my own 'unique' crazy character, and it didn't help me fit in, obviously. It was all because of it that I was able to correct myself.

My feelings of joy and surprise due to making friends can't be described easily. Up until now, I still can't bring myself to believe in this.

However brighter the start of the year seemed to me, darkness started to creep in eventually. I came across the anime show Nana. Yes, that might be a hilarious reason to get depressed, but it really happened since I became so immersed in the world of it. It was the first anime I watched, and I watched it fourteen times before I realized it was unhealthy for me to continue like that.

It was an anime about two girls' friendship, eventually separated by their own relationships and dreams. One of the two main characters, Osaki Nana, had a character much similar to mine. She had the same problems I had, but she seemed so cool and admirable, which made me relate to her from the start, as well as develop a longing to become like her. Well, that's how I stepped into the dark world.

I never gave thought to deep things before, things such as loneliness and depression. The sadness in that anime was far beyond my ideas of deep sadness, it was to a whole new dimension that I never thought I'd see. Although at moments of my life I had somehow experienced loneliness, but because deep inside I knew that I had loving people around me, I never felt deep fear. After watching that anime, I felt the fear of being all alone on the world, friendless and not being able to share my pain with anyone. Whenever I was alone at home, I would start picturing myself alone in the world, and feel so empty and helpless. Then I would feel an urge to cry because I was so terrified and uncertain of my surroundings, and that was how I developed a fear for the dark night sky.

It's quite evident from my blog and my words that I'm an avid lover of the darkness of the night. There are quite a lot of posts in which I mention my love for the night and ramble a lot about my reasons for loving it. I developed such a fear of the night on top of my obsessive love for the nighttime, which made such darkness even more fascinating for me. I wanted to hear about all the dark shady stories of the night, from the triad killings to the suicide cases of depressed people to the girls working in the nightclubs. Those stories became horrifying things to me, but the more I became horrified, the more I was drawn into it.

I watched the anime 14 times before finally stopping. Because I was an emotional person, as I watched the anime more and more, I became further immersed into the world and the feelings of the characters. I watched it so much that I could recite the episodes that made me cry the most, and it became the deepest and sickest obsession I ever had. 

I'm only able to talk about this calmly because, right now, I've already escaped from such a darkness. I still remember how I used to cry and feel deeper emotions as time passed, since I sort of related to it and deepened my own feelings of sadness. Although I laugh about it lightly now, it really damaged me back then -- and I'm eager and cautious everyday not to touch these things ever again in my life. It wasn't regret though; I was grateful for exposure towards such profound things, but it proved that I was too weak for these things.

Anime opened my door to Japanese culture. Before, I absolutely despised Japanese things, so it was all thanks to anime that I was willing to give idol groups a chance. If not for that, perhaps I would still be the depressed and afraid girl up till now. It's not like I'm fooled to think that idol groups are all about happiness, but it encouraged me to focus on the happy side of things and start thinking positively. It inspires me how, amidst all the stress and problems, idols are able to pull themselves together and perform to fans with a bright smile. I thought that such a strong and powerful side of an idol was extremely admirable.

Towards the end of my form one year, under the influence of upbeat Japanese pop songs like Heavy Rotation and Koisuru Fortune Cookie, I was able to become a brighter and happier person. As I developed more of a cheerful character, I influenced my mind to think about brighter things, and it worked for a bit. Although I still worried about ridiculous things a lot, but I was aware of the fact that things would eventually get better. I was able to pull through many hard times, thanks to the occasional laughter I had, and of course, the influence of those idols, who did nothing but dance and lip sync, really.

My first year in senior school ended somehow quickly, with an end so sudden that I wasn't able to really think about. At the end of the year, I somehow felt that I had experienced so much as a person that it was absurd. But I had grown so much, at least I told myself that. 

I didn't really directly thank, or express my gratitude in any way to all the wonderful people in the year, since I was bad at expressing feelings like that. I felt that it wasn't within my comfort zone to do so, so I never did. Let me butt in at the middle of this post to thank everyone who existed next to me in my form one year.

Form two year started with me worrying because the work load suddenly increased hugely, it made me stay up until twelve almost everyday, which was new to me. I was still all hyped up because I was proud of the amount of work I completed, and it was an exciting new start for me, since the form one year was a mess to me.

I was quite a perfectionist, but much against my will, my marks kept dropping and dropping, more and more as time passed by. Pressure built up inside me, the small amount of positivity inside me gradually became almost non-exisitent. Although many good things happened to me, they never came to my concern as much as problems did. 

My worries towards the drop in my academic results never concerned me too much, until exams came. I had absolutely no idea what had struck me, but I became so paranoid all of a sudden. (The story of my short-term depression during the exam period is quite long, I'd appreciate it if you could stay till the end. If not, I still can understand lol)

It all started on the second day, when we had the English and IT exams. Both of the subjects were my biggest strengths, so I had to grab onto it tightly and secure myself some A's. However, after school ended that day, probably around 11, I started overthinking everything. As I processed more and more, I was convinced that I did terribly in those two papers. That brought me to realize that my ability wasn't enough for these exams, as well as for the coming ones. It was the point where my confidence started chipping away, and it created a deep hole for me to fall into in the coming six days.

Then Chinese exams came. I understood none of those complicated ancient passages, completely misinterpreting it. Although I had always been terrible with Chinese, I felt that I had hit a new low, so low that it was impossible. I realized that I was probably too scared to do anything properly. At this point, I was only fearful about my results, and whether or not I could obtain a scholarship. It was still in the early stages, during which I could've saved myself out of it.

The weekend came, and I went to watch a volleyball match. It consumed quite a bit of time on Sunday, and I didn't arrive home until 7pm. Geography and LS were there, waiting for me to study them, and clearly there wasn't enough time. At first, I was able to start revising forcefully, but as time passed by I realized nothing was inside my head. At about 9pm, the situation made it really clear that there would absolutely be no chance, not a single chance that I'll be able to finish revising. I started going crazy and cried in extreme fear, because I'd obviously get marks that won't give me a scholarship. After talking to my mother, I took a bit of time, but finally decided to give up scholarships and all those fancy things.

That was when I realized how helpless I had made myself. I thought things would get better after I gave up the scholarship and goals and all those things, but I turned out to be wrong.

This whole experience of feeling so vulnerable, despite me having ended it, scared me too much. It was scary how weak and helpless I had become, and although I had recovered a bit from it, I had already been traumatized far too deeply. When I finally was able to fully give up my faraway targets, another problem came. I realized how deeply I was affected by my emotions and fears, and I was afraid that it'd come back and affect me again. I hated such a terrible and weak side of myself, so much that I no longer had worth in my own eyes. As I was thinking about how scary my own fear could be, that became part of my fear and added to it.