glamorous sky

Needless to say, judging from the title, a lot has happened these days. This post is just to reassure myself that I'm totally fine, because I believe I am. I'm still very okay, and I don't say so unless I really am. There we go, I'm really still very okay.

Indeed, many undesirable things have happened, but I still believe that I don't have any regrets. After all, I've chosen the best paths for myself, those that made me happy and those that helped me develop as a person. Even though some have led me into deep, dark corners where I managed to completely corner myself, I made choices that made me wiser as a person. No matter how things go, I trust that they all lead to benefits in the future. I've survived through the year, now holding a lot more knowledge and experience than before. Just for that I should be extremely thankful for the hard times in this year.

I have not given up on anything yet, especially myself; I believe that the future awaiting me has the potential to be much brighter, and I will not forget that. What's the point of reminding myself of the terrible results, when after today, they no longer matter? Even if it did, there would be several ways out, and I believe it is a whole new kind of challenging fun to solve the problems that I have caused. As the saying always goes: "if you have a problem, solve it." There's really no use for me to sit here and cry for ages, when I can move on and be happy about new things in life. One of my terribly weird life goals is to become a kind person, which won't make sense unless I'm kind to myself as well. I'd want to continue on aiming for higher limits without carrying the burdens of my past failures, since it's completely pointless. If I can put all my mind into chasing after my desires and dreams, I believe that would be best for my development and growth.

It's a painful experience indeed, receiving such terrible grades and knowing that I could've done better very easily, but I couldn't have done anything else because I was so mentally exhausted. Searching back to the roots of my exhaustion, it was because of nothing but the excessive pressure I had put on myself foolishly. I know that, if not for my foolishness and lack of self-love, I wouldn't have fallen so terribly. Furthermore, it's not a terrible fall, now that I know it's not hard to stand back up. There are many chances for me in the future to take revenge for myself, and I'm nowhere near the end unless I put an end to my own growth. The pain and sadness often reminds me of the incorrect decisions I've made, and that my mind was very weak. I'm just glad that I'm able to strengthen my mental state before bigger challenges were to come up.

During such hard times, I was able to experience a whole new depth of emotions, as well as see things in a whole new light. I'm now able to comfort myself instead of ripping myself of even more happiness, I've learnt what to do to maximise my achievements. Obviously I won't say that I enjoyed having hard times, but it has left me with the ability to sustain my hopefulness. I've learnt to anticipate even brighter, happier days, glorious moments where I can acknowledge my own hard work. It is only through these hard times that I feel the heightened happiness during calm or exciting moments, and that's not just something I've made up to justify my sudden positivity, but part of my experience.

I am indeed frustrated over the marks and certain other things in life, but it's certainly not worth it to dwell on it anymore. It's become part of me, but not part of the dark memories that still haunt me today. It is now the part of me that reminds myself of the mistakes not to be made again. I'd be clearly lying if I said that I've already gotten over the marks, but I see easier improvement ahead of me and focus on that instead. You see, I'm deeply encouraged by that. My constant desire to improve drives me on to achieve bigger things in the future. My objectives in life are not to become better than certain others, but more to do the best within my limits, which obviously I haven't reached yet. Until that day, I will continue working hard.

I also hope to cry less, now that my tears are often uncontrolled. I understand that there are times where it's not the best decision to cry out loud. It's not that I intend to suppress my tears are pretend that I'm completely alright; I don't fake happy smiles to lie to the world. It's pretty pointless to cry like that, not only does it attract unwanted attention, it also causes trouble to people around me. Instead of being a burden and annoyance to everyone, I want to become someone kind and understanding, hopefully someone that people would love to be around. I would like to become a comforting presence, or if I could be even greedier, I'd want to become a person that everyone looks up to for my attitude and independence. Although that obviously won't come true anytime soon.

It's perfectly alright to do pointless things or make wrong decisions, you do learn precious lessons from them. What's the point of regretting things you've done, when you can look back and just laugh at them mockingly and move on to something better? I'll only allow myself a few minutes to settle down with the shock and sadness, and after that I'll do nothing but look forward. For the sake of consistently moving forward and proactively taking actions towards my dreams (if I even have any), I'm willing to put down all the sad things of the past and move on as if the sky has been blue all this time.

So that's it for one of sisley's typical reflective rants. Thanks to planetliffy for existing as a platform where I can sort out and talk about my own problems, helping me document events and also assisting me on moving on to my next goals. There is, of course, no better way to end this than having one of sisley's favourite song quotes.

あの雲を払って君の未来照らしたい  

(I want to erase that cloud and enlighten your future) 

この夢を抱えて一人歩くGLORIOUS DAYS 

(Embracing this dream, I'll walk alone GLORIOUS DAYS)