typicalsisley

Now that exams have ended, I can finally spend hours doing self reflection, now that I have more time to waste. I must say that, I've made quite a lot of progress as a person in this one year. In this post, I'll be discussing with you (no, forcing you to listen to) my thoughts on academic stress and just stress in general.

I'm, by nature, quite a worried and pessimistic person, and it's definitely a constant big issue in my life and wellbeing. I'm very weak under pressure, and I suppose it's the only thing that can really kill me -- and my marks. I stress over the smallest mistakes in my paper, and think about it the whole day until I realize that I forgot about revision for the next exam. That's just how terrible it is. During exam periods, I tend to question my reason for existing and staying on the world, and start to cry for absolutely no reason.

Crying out of nowhere wasn't as funny as it sounded, in fact it hurt me completely, I couldn't do anything. I would spend hours after hours feeling hopeless and crying once in a while. It made me unable to be productive amidst a time I really needed to get things done. It was very terrible, and I don't want to dwell on it anymore now that it's over. I've documented about it in my previous post "there are a lot of things i can't forget", so if you have time and would like to read about my long experience of meaningless crying, please go there.

Nowadays, I'm able to force myself into thinking positively once in a while. It's mostly due to my terrible experience, so I'm grateful that I was put through that. I won't say that I regret any of my past decisions and actions. The feeling of regret is basically angrily hoping that something was done another way, right? I don't have those feelings. I do know that things would've been easier, had I done it the other way, but I do know that people grow smarter and gain intelligence through experiences, and I would've never known the things I know now without going through challenges. It has lead me on the path to becoming today's Sisley, and I am grateful for it.

There are hard times in life, for sure, when I can't withstand the hardships anymore and feel like escaping from them. I can't avoid having such a feeling, nor will I attempt to avoid it. I'll try to allow myself to be sad for a while, no matter how long it takes to recover from it. There have been problems back when I was a little kid, seemingly so big that I'd never conquer it. Now that I'm older and I think about it again, it was nothing but a tiny problem. That's how people grow, and I feel that it marks my progress as a human being.

There are times I don't do as well as I would like in exams and tests, but I won't mourn about it for a long time afterwards because it's a bigger joy for me that I've finished it. No matter how it turns out, there's always a way to deal with it, and that's where the fun in life comes from -- dealing with the unknown. It's not that I lack ambition, nor is it that I don't even try hard to aim for high marks, but my persuit for high marks only exists during revision, which helps steer me on the task of revising.

Now that some exam papers have been given out, and many of my pleasant dreams have been crushed, I surprisingly don't feel much feelings of sadness. It certainly would've been better and happier for me if I'd obtained higher marks, but it's not a must. In a way, having such terrible marks enable me to aim for higher limits without much stress, which allows me to eventually learn more. It's not a must to consistently do well for me; sometimes failure opens my doors to a whole new dimension of things.

I'd rather be able to lightly laugh at my stupid mistakes and move on quickly, putting all my mind into my next goals. I'd like to carry on with my life, bringing with me the lessons I've learnt from the stupid decisions I've made, instead of reminding myself of the stupid decisions themselves. I want to be able to remember what I've learnt from the incidents and not remember the hurt from it, as after today, it is nothing but a past event that I can no longer change.

I don't like to think of it as 'correcting/ getting rid of my weaknesses', I'd rather consider it as a continuous motivation to move forward and upwards. It isn't the problem that matters to me anymore; I'd want to be able to consistently and continuously move up and conquer my own limits. I feel like that would be something I'd be satisfied about if I could achieve it.

I hate being one of those baes trying to be inspirational while hiding their own problems, I despise them. Instead, I'd like to openly laugh at my mistakes as I try to learn from them, as mistakes quickly disappear and no longer means anything. I certainly do get sad over the stupid things that I do, but after all, when I look back and think about it, it's nothing but a small problem in the past caused by my lack of intelligence and experience. It's quite hilarious to think of sometimes. Hopefully, carrying these thoughts with me, I'll be able to go higher and nearer to the dreams of mine that existed so far away I never envisioned them.