sisley's anticipation

Today's post is going to be a salty, sour one covered in tons of hopeful sugar, to sum things up simply.

I've always been a rather pessimistic person, thinking about everything in the darkest ways possible. It remains unchanged, even until today, I'm still pretty much the young girl filled with negative energy inside. However, I'm grateful for that one quality God has granted me since my earliest days, one that has saved me countless times -- hopefulness. Even in my darkest, most helpless days, I'm motivated to continue working hard thanks to the sort of hope that constantly burns inside me.

Sometimes I'm told that I don't show my sadness well enough to channel my feelings of hurt, and it's not because I'm desperate to fake a happy appearance. It's not that I'm never sad enough either, it's more because I know that being sad doesn't help with anything. I do get upset and cry when I'm out of control, but in the end I do understand that it crying won't ever help with solving my issues. I do cry quite a lot because I'm often upset over trivial matters, and I'm not the slightest bit bulletproof. However, I won't lose hope just yet.

There are times when I'm too devastated to see the bigger, brighter picture. I often feel the urge to give up on things, even things I love when I'm far too tired to even continue doing them. However, as I try to hold in my tears for a bit and pull myself to think about the endless possibilities of the future, I'm reminded that those things are too precious to let go of. I only quit doing things when I no longer have passion, but if it's something I genuinely still care for, I won't be able to give up even if it gives me immense pain.

I believe that, there'd be one day when I look back and think, "I'm glad I didn't give up yet."

That's why I've promised myself not to let these things affect my daily life. I'll do everything to distract myself for a while, or even write things to sort out my emotions, and convince myself constantly that the situation I see with such painful feelings is always going to be terrible. I make sure that I calm down first, and when my mind is clearer, I think about ways to solve the problem. If there's no solution to the problem, I'll manipulate my own mind to feel better because I won't want to hurt myself further.

No matter if it's continuing to show how I am as a person, or achieving that one thing I've always longed for, or even just giving it my all so I won't have regrets, I have lots of reasons not to give up yet. I'll at least hope for things to become better in the near future.