such a worried sisley is definitely no good
You might have noticed by now, that I've been posting much more positive stuff on this blog nowadays as compared to the loads of sad ones I did before. It's not that I've become a happy, positive person, it's just that I've realized that by writing about my sadness, I'm just taking my pain to a whole deeper level. Lately I've been writing some happier crap here on this blog just to help myself sort things out. This blog is always my perfect platform to sort my emotions out, given that I normally feel lots better after writing these lengthy paragraphs.
Today's just one of those many days on which I need to help myself desperately. (a/n: I'm sorry if the title is phrased weirdly, it came from a long Japanese title haha.) This blog post is aimed at some certain person who's incredibly insensitive and ignorant, and no, it's not any possible person you'll potentially think of I promise. This is also one of those typical childish friendship problems, or else what problems would I probably encounter?
I'm not someone who openly asks for any attention, as much as I long for it sometimes. Even if I'm desperately seeking for someone's attention, I shut up about it because it's not part of my character to straightforwardly ask. I show my care or concern for someone by silently standing next to that person, because I feel that there's no good in causing more trouble for someone, whoever it is. If I genuinely care for someone, I will deliberately hide my problems from them, because however little it may be, I will possibly cause worry or troubles. Perhaps it's how this happened, all because of me hiding all of my requests and thoughts. But there's one thing I'd like to say, just because I try not to bother you with my selfish needs, doesn't mean that you can completely forget about me and be completely ignorant towards my existence.
(That sounded incredibly philosophical and dark but trust me, I'm typing this not with tears, but with a rather stoned face. It's not as grave as it seems in my words, I have the tendency to exaggerate things. It's not a weird love letter, it's what I normally think about all friends that I consider close to me.)
Perhaps I'm normally filled with pride, and I'm unwilling to admit that I need anyone by my side. Normally I genuinely don't, but during times of extreme sadness or loneliness I do. Perhaps it's what you want, someone who sticks to you and depends on you in such a cute way that you feel needed. I'm sorry that I'm not cute, nor do I tell you or express to you my need for your company. I'm sorry that I don't even have the courage to come up to you and say anything to you. I'm sorry that I've depended my happiness on you this time, and for causing you burdens.
I don't know what to do next, really. It was probably only me who overthought the whole situation and decided to run away from it myself. I know that, if I continue to depend my happiness on you, I'd end up further hurting myself. But there's really no other way for me. I was the one who chose the foolish path of genuinely being concerned about you, and now that I've chosen to follow this path, I guess I have no other choice but to continue running down this terrible path. Now that I'm no longer able to escape from it, I can only hope to do as much as possible to hopefully cause as little trouble as I can.
If I'm able to provide you with even the slightest thing that could make you laugh, maybe that would be enough. If I think this way, maybe I'd feel a lot better. I made this decision that I can't regret anymore, no matter if it's punishment for my foolishness, or it's doing my best to contribute to you, I hope to become a happy presence next to you, or anyone in general. Even if I'm unable to become your favourite company, I hope to do as much as I can for you. Maybe that's what I can think to make things better amidst this hopeless situation.
It's time for some lyrics that express my feelings better than my own words.
[風の中でひまわりが揺れる道を
In the middle of the winds, the sunflowers sway on the road
全力で走ってる君を見かけたよ
I catch sight of you running with all your might
夏の制服 太陽と競うように
Your summer uniform is looking like it’s emulating the sun
汗を拭うその顔が輝いてた
Wiping away the sweat, your face illuminated
僕のことさえも 気づかないくらい
You didn’t even notice me
ひたむきになれるもの
To become more earnest
道の先に見つけたんだね
You found your own path ahead of you]
[迷いのない頑張り 君を見てそう思う
Trying your best without hesitation, That’s what I thought after seeing you
前のめりは 素敵だ
Pitching forward is a wonderful thing]
That's enough for today haha. I'll go and calmly sort myself out lol
Today's just one of those many days on which I need to help myself desperately. (a/n: I'm sorry if the title is phrased weirdly, it came from a long Japanese title haha.) This blog post is aimed at some certain person who's incredibly insensitive and ignorant, and no, it's not any possible person you'll potentially think of I promise. This is also one of those typical childish friendship problems, or else what problems would I probably encounter?
I'm not someone who openly asks for any attention, as much as I long for it sometimes. Even if I'm desperately seeking for someone's attention, I shut up about it because it's not part of my character to straightforwardly ask. I show my care or concern for someone by silently standing next to that person, because I feel that there's no good in causing more trouble for someone, whoever it is. If I genuinely care for someone, I will deliberately hide my problems from them, because however little it may be, I will possibly cause worry or troubles. Perhaps it's how this happened, all because of me hiding all of my requests and thoughts. But there's one thing I'd like to say, just because I try not to bother you with my selfish needs, doesn't mean that you can completely forget about me and be completely ignorant towards my existence.
(That sounded incredibly philosophical and dark but trust me, I'm typing this not with tears, but with a rather stoned face. It's not as grave as it seems in my words, I have the tendency to exaggerate things. It's not a weird love letter, it's what I normally think about all friends that I consider close to me.)
I don't know what to do next, really. It was probably only me who overthought the whole situation and decided to run away from it myself. I know that, if I continue to depend my happiness on you, I'd end up further hurting myself. But there's really no other way for me. I was the one who chose the foolish path of genuinely being concerned about you, and now that I've chosen to follow this path, I guess I have no other choice but to continue running down this terrible path. Now that I'm no longer able to escape from it, I can only hope to do as much as possible to hopefully cause as little trouble as I can.
If I'm able to provide you with even the slightest thing that could make you laugh, maybe that would be enough. If I think this way, maybe I'd feel a lot better. I made this decision that I can't regret anymore, no matter if it's punishment for my foolishness, or it's doing my best to contribute to you, I hope to become a happy presence next to you, or anyone in general. Even if I'm unable to become your favourite company, I hope to do as much as I can for you. Maybe that's what I can think to make things better amidst this hopeless situation.
It's time for some lyrics that express my feelings better than my own words.
[風の中でひまわりが揺れる道を
In the middle of the winds, the sunflowers sway on the road
全力で走ってる君を見かけたよ
I catch sight of you running with all your might
夏の制服 太陽と競うように
Your summer uniform is looking like it’s emulating the sun
汗を拭うその顔が輝いてた
Wiping away the sweat, your face illuminated
僕のことさえも 気づかないくらい
You didn’t even notice me
ひたむきになれるもの
To become more earnest
道の先に見つけたんだね
You found your own path ahead of you]
[迷いのない頑張り 君を見てそう思う
Trying your best without hesitation, That’s what I thought after seeing you
前のめりは 素敵だ
Pitching forward is a wonderful thing]
That's enough for today haha. I'll go and calmly sort myself out lol
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