Blog 05/03/2014

Under the pitch-black sky of a cool evening, with street lights shining bright, I stared at my front.

She was a special friend to me, a nice one, who understood me, but somehow I was afraid in a way when she was around. I had no idea why my mouth never made a sound when I wanted to talk to her. Sometimes, I get shocked the emptiness of my brain, as if it had shut down temporarily. Even just staring at her from far mortifies me, the coldness she unconciously gives out is somehow scary. It becomes scarier when she somehow never realized.

A special thing about this person was that I was sure that she didn't hate me, but her actions in a way showed it. Every second spent with her was hurtful, but I always told myself that it wasn't intentional. I had this helpless trust in her, she was one of the very few people whom I trusted. But somehow, looking at her gave me shudders and the horrible feeling of emptiness. Sometimes I wished that she had never existed, but her presence enouraged me in many ways and she was extremely understanding.

I felt so desperate, as if someone put a knife in front of me, threatening to kill me. I felt so helpless, as if humans were extinct and I was facing all my problems, all alone on the earth. It was such a pathetic situation that no one understood, and it was killing me every single second. Sometimes I tended to blame myself, for my stupidity and my retarded social problems. Was it because I had too many doubts in my mind, or was it because I set myself far too many limitations and rules?

I had no idea where my conciousness and logic flew to. That moment, I just stood and watched her figure slowly disappear, with a blank mind. I unwittingly stood still and stared until she vanished from sight, feeling sudden chills. I stared up into the pitch-black sky, and thought of all those crazy things. It was an exceptionally cold night.