Blog 25/03/2014

25.03.2014 - Memory
First of all, I apologize for being inactive. And also for the short and rushed post previously. So today's post is about my old days, to be specific, when I was in kindergarten.

"Ceci, I will come collect you after school today. What do you want to eat?" Auntie May asked.

"I want to go eat at Spaghetti House!" I exclaimed. She nodded.

"Alright, I'll come after school and bring you there," she said with a smile.

Those nostalgic days when I didn't know what the time was. At most times, I'd just do as the teacher instructed, and when the teacher announced the end of the school day, I'd exercise my messy and clumsy packing skills, then I rush down and find my auntie from the crowd of parents and guardians.

For the little me, the mall nearby, Festive Walk, was considered luxurious and eye-opening. Imagine this short little girl wearing a white-and-blue dress, skipping merrily while squealing loudly in a mall selling sophisticated designer-brand stuff. Such irony.

On the top level of the mall, where the ancient Spaghetti House was located, people could see sunlight spilling in from the huge windows. I would admire the sunlight, which made me feel estatic and overwhelmed. It was the sight of noon. You might as well imagine me, now as a secondary school student, mourning because I now spend my noons at school. Such sad reality, right?

After that, my auntie and I would rush back home to watch my favourite TV show. It was one of those long-running old-fashioned TV shows from maybe 2000 or even earlier. I had no idea why, but I enjoyed it a lot and it was the topic of most of me and my auntie's discussions. Most of the times, I could have afternoon naps. I feel stupid now because I used to hate them, but now, even if it's just a mere twenty minutes, I'd literally thank you forever.

Fast forward to my graduation from kindergarten. When I left, I was still pretty airheaded, uncertain about what was going on. I didn't feel my heart linger, I didn't feel any sadness. I just stepped out of the campus in a relaxed mood and never looked back. Back then, I was a terribly emotionless girl, so when some girls cried, I did not even feel the tiniest bit of sadness.

Today, the memories somehow came back. They haunt me in a way, they make me feel frustrated at my own self because I did not treasure what I had and instead wanted to throw them away, not knowing how precious they were.

Afterwards, I became a lot busier after going to primary school. It wasn't sudden -- in the first two or three years, I was totally fine and merry, but things got harder as I became older. I would go back to Festival Walk sometimes, but then, there was no sign of Spaghetti House.

No, it definitely wasn't because of Spaghetti House's food being exceptionally scrumptious. It was because of some my oldest memories, some that I still hold dear to me. The image of a short little girl, squealing with delight, having nice lunch after what I used to consider a tiring school day. Somehow, the image made its way into my mind again today.

It wasn't just me who became busier. My auntie was too. Her health deteriorated rapidly. She was constantly in a big rush and never allowed herself to rest. She became more and more temperimental, and yelled at me a lot more. At first, I, still extremely innocent, felt that she was ridiculously grumpy and it was seriously irritating. Her warm and comforting smile in the old days had long disappeared. One day, I realized it was due to her bad health.

One day, my mother sat me down and said, "please refrain from angering your auntie. She is really sick and that's why she has no patience."

I said something that sounded so naive, "what? Why? She has fever? Such a long lasting fever?"

"You won't understand. It's not easy to treat. So just love your auntie and refrain from angering her," mom replied.

That was when I realized that my auntie, who gave up her job to take care of me, had always been stretching herself beyond her limits to provide the best for me. I really could not comment on it. Though I didn't allow myself to break down, tears kept swelling up inside me and I was momentarily stunned by it. I had no idea what to react to it.

I long to go back to my old days. Even one, only one day, would make me thankful. As for that smile that has now disappeared, it is my deepest wish that I can see it once more in the near future.