I still hate myself.

"Sorry for being pessimistic," I'd always say after ranting about negative emotions.

I really hate this part of myself that keeps on dwelling in the negativity of the past. We're supposed to learn from past mistakes and disasters and avoid making the same stupid mistakes again, but I live in the shadow of them.

There was this particular period of time about two years ago, which I'd never be able to forget. It left such a deep impact on me that I could possibly say that it left a scar on me. Even till now, I still live in the shadow of it. And before I could even realize, flashbacks brought me back to that time, where it was basically tons and tons of troubles.

I thought that it was solved long ago.

That kind of fear, which I feel really unsettled about, is more any typical fears that I have. As much as I hate to admit such a foolish thing, I'm very afraid of that happening again. I have been trying so hard to throw that away from my mind for so long. Every single time I think of those days, I realize how much of a weak person I am.

It's something that makes me want to cry. I've probably made crying sound like a very light thing with my constant mentioning, but if I were to cry about this, I'd certainly cry until my eyes hurt. In the end, even if tears dry, the fear won't leave me; I'd never stop fearing it either.

I've been through this over and over again, getting reminded of unfortunate events in the past. Then I, being the useless girl I am, would turn to someone I heavily depend on, probably with a full face of streaming tears. And that's the thing I really hate about myself, being foolish and letting myself depend on others.

I've declared that there are other positive sides to things, and that I shall be ambitious and not live in the past, trying my best to create a bright future. But the thing is, I'm still a weak and timid girl, full of foolish pride.

I still hate myself.