always

Up until this moment, I still can't be a hundred percent certain that it was a right decision. It was so difficult to me, for me to put down and throw away something that I've loved so much for so long, something I've devoted so much into. I'm filled with apologies and guilt right now, and I'm not actually sure what to do.

"You're always welcome to come back, whenever you want," they'd say to me. Those kind words, as much as they healed and comforted me, made it so much tougher for me to make a decision. I thought I had become completely sure and determined when I decided to leave, but when the final time came, it was so difficult.

In the past six years, which seemed long looking at it, I've had a lot of fun and laughter around everyone. It's a pity to admit that, right now, the situation has become very, very hurtful and damaging. I'm at a point where, the pain and struggles have overshadowed the happiness that I've been able to obtain. I once had so much aspiration and determination to climb up, but right now, I don't even wish to attempt to improve.

In the earliest days, it was a passionate interest of mine. I was so devoted that I gave up so many things in order to pursue my interest, and promised myself to hold onto it no matter what. At first, it was solely a simple matter of interest -- I became part of it because I really wanted to. Those days seem so distant now; sometimes I wish that I could regain that passion of mine. I went through a lot to stay throughout the years, holding onto it as my biggest source of happiness. There were days I became motivated by it, feeling glad that I joined everyone in the first place.

There were days when things became slightly harder, but everyone came together to help me, and problems quickly vanished. There were also times when I realized that my ability wasn't as good as the others, but I was fine with it, considering how I was able to become happy when pursuing it. It was when I met lots of amazing people, that I finally found my first friends. Being able to laugh and talk about everything together, I was more than grateful. Simply trying my best while enjoying myself, a lot of time quickly passed.

It was also during that time when I met someone life-changing. I had never met a friend like that before, and it really shocked me how she impacted me back then. It was with her, when I first experienced care from a friend. In a way, she changed the way I viewed life. I felt that my existence finally mattered in a way, and it was the first time I actually understood the importance of caring about a friend. "Be more positive," I still clearly recall her telling me. It was a simple and cliched line, but I still remember how it enlightened me.

That wasn't all the fun I had. There were endless days when I laughed until my stomach hurt. Going there could brighten even the saddest, loneliest days, and it was incredible, being able to casually fool around each other. It wasn't all casual, though. On days we became serious about our training, we worked hard together and encouraged each other throughout the challenging tasks.

That place felt almost like my second home, housing so much of my memories and emotions. It was a place of comfort and bliss to me, even now. However, the day of departure finally came, when I graduated from primary school.

Then came the new environment, which was slightly less comfortable, but was still very enjoyable. It took me quite a bit of time to get used to it, but after I slowly became accustomed to it, I had endless times of laughter there. I still recall at the back of my mind, how the whole scenery was like when I first went there. I knew nobody, and I felt very intimidated. I wasn't particularly good at making friends, so for the first few weeks, I was all alone, awkwardly attempting things all by myself. The place seemed so hauntingly big, but so bright to me. It wasn't like anything I had seen before.

Thanks to the warm welcoming of the seniors, I started talking to them some weeks later. It's still burnt at the back of my mind, how the seniors first invited us out to lunch. I was deeply amazed by how friendly they were, and it was when I was first introduced to the concept of true teammates. I felt relieved that we were accepted by the older seniors, and finally felt a sense of belonging to the community, for the first time.

Things went on fairly well. Despite not being one of the six to play matches, I was convinced that the value of it was far more than that. I truly treasured the community, and how everyone got along without problems. That was how it seemed in the old days, and till now, I still feel nostalgic thinking about how it used to be.

I met many people, seniors to be exact. There was a kind and friendly senior girl, who was three years my senior and knew a lot about the team. She kindly shared with me her stories, gave me brief advice and encouraged me. It was the first time I ever talked one-on-one with such a senior, and I was stunned to a great extent. She was an excellent senior who genuinely cared for her juniors, and took care of them personally, not solely because they could contribute to the team's success. I was quite touched that day, and up till today, I still haven't forgotten. When she left for England, I spent a great deal of time crying, actually.

There was also this person I admired for a long, long time. Her incredible talent was displayed through her agile, quick actions. I fangirled over basically everything she did, it nearly became idolization. Thinking back, it's very hilarious and embarrassing for me too. I still remember when I first talked to her on the MTR, I was trembling so bad in nervousness. I admired her so much I literally wrote a whole post on my blog when I ran into her one morning, you'll find it if you have enough patience. At first, all I could do was exchange a few words with her once in a while, because she was rather cold by nature. However, as time passed by, she changed gradually. Nowadays, she's actually the only one who's kind to me, and we can casually chat about many things. Even though the old days seem so far away now, those feelings of admiration still remains fresh in my mind.

And those were just a small part of my happy memories.

There was this person, with whom I once shared quite a special friendship with. It's something I find hard to talk about nowadays, and I tend to avoid bringing it up. But as I was compiling my memories for this post, I felt that it was too significant of a part to be excluded from here. I've decided to cover it briefly.

There were days, on which I was able to tell her every single one of my problems. Whenever I had something on my mind, I'd quickly send her a random text asking for help. I was healed and comforted by the kind things she said, and as days passed by, I was glad to see that she also shared some of her problems with me. There were also days when I felt incredibly privileged, when she was eager to share her stories and thoughts. However, soon enough, she became that one problem which I couldn't ask anyone to help with. Because I depended on her so much to solve my problems, nobody else could.

Perhaps it was because I developed too much dependance on an individual, that I felt like I lost everything when she was no longer in reach. I felt, for quite a long while, obliged to shut up about her insensitive ways so to seem more acceptive. It turned into an illusion that I was far too easygoing to care about these things. I wanted so much to do something significant for her to thank her for her help, but I constantly felt that I wasn't able to do anything with enough impact.

Nowadays, I don't even exchange eye contact with this individual. It's painful to think about it, so I've been approaching this problem by completely erasing it, from the roots. I really don't want to be reminded of it anymore, so after today, I'll not even think about it.

Things significantly worsened since last year, generally speaking. I was blessed with a bunch of amazing juniors who cared for me, which made me very happy and motivated, but at the same time, conflicts started to arise. A friend of mine hated the juniors, overwhelmed by their ignorance and immaturity. On the other hand, I tried hard to get along well with them and understand them, but as a result offended my friend. It also caused a disruption in the relationships of the team. While others managed to reconcile, I couldn't. This led to the situation I'm stuck in now, possibly speaking.

Those were the days without much stress and worries. I wasn't pressurized much. I simply enjoyed my time with the others, without having to survive in the bigger world. As much as my view of the world was limited back then, it gave me an immense feeling of comfort. Those days passed by quickly, and it was time for me to say goodbye to the comfort. As I first went to explore the bigger world with whom I thought were my friends, I started to realize that everyone felt really, really distant.

The situation deteriorated quickly during the time we were in Taipei. The five days in Taipei were painful for me, and I was scarred by the experience afterwards. Not only were the trainings tough and lonely for me, people would also lock themselves in their rooms and have squad sessions of human discussions. After long, hard training hours, I thought I could finally enjoy some comfort at night. However, knowing that everyone else had gathered in a room talking about me, I felt very unsettled and didn't know how to cope with it. It was during the time when everyone else excluded me, I randomly pressed their doorbell in search of someone to entertain me. They talked to me without being pretentious, unlike the others, and invited me to join their game of Uno. I received a lot of care from them, much to my surprise. I felt that it would be compulsory to acknowledge and thank them.

It was also during the hardest hours, when I discovered a senior's kindness. When I was still horribly immature, I thought of her as a judgemental and unacceptive person, but she surprised me with her kind actions. Near the end, another senior who was going to leave our school made a sentimental speech, which made me tear up. Things had been difficult for me, and I was more than grateful for her consolation. She displayed more empathy than I had ever seen in anyone before.

"I also experienced the same before," she assured me kindly, "just persist for a little bit longer, and things will become easier for you as time passes by."

It amazed me to hear her honest story. Looking at her right now, she seemed like such a talented player, blending in so well with everyone else. She was so open with such painful things, and it temporarily gave me strength to hold on and endure. For the longest time, I thought there was still meaning in staying, and that helped me keep on working hard. That was when I still had hope and desire to survive there, and her words were really helped me through the hardest hours. I was reminded of all the amazing things I could encounter, so I persisted and stayed for a bit longer.

However after that, things quickly worsened. I started tearing up every time I went, and it became very unhealthy. It then got to a point which it was more painful and damaging than enjoyable. It was too tiring for me to continue on trying. During the hard period of struggling, I was blessed enough to have an amazing friend next to me. She was an outsider, but knew enough to understand my situations, so I figured that she would be the best one to consult. After consulting with her (and also my mom) for days, I decided to leave. With her encouragement, I boldly approached the teacher-in-charge and applied to quit.

Last Wednesday was my last training. Considering how I wasn't on good terms with anyone, I pretty much left without a word. I finished the last training without doing anything special, and at the end, I simply went and informed my coaches and thanked them. To be utterly honest, I didn't expect such supportive responses from them. They both understood how difficult and demanding it was to me, and kindly gave me some kind words before I left. It was comforting to know that they cared, at least a little bit. They helped me improve a lot throughout the years, and were both encouraging people with great attitudes. Even now, I still feel that I owe them a huge apology and thank you.

At the end of the training, I felt that my world was somehow crashing down. Before that, I was glad that the last training was very soon, but afterwards, it became very difficult for me. I felt very empty, as if a huge part of me was gone. I had put so much effort and emotion into it over the years, it genuinely hurt me. Before I left, I went up to the kind senior and quietly informed her of my departure. I was especially nervous about telling her, as I was afraid to disappoint her. To be honest, as a person who survived through similarly tough situations, she had every right to judge. However, she didn't.

"If it's going to make you happy, just follow your hopes and leave. If one day, you start to miss us, you're always welcome to come back," was what she told me with a genuine smile.

It made it very hard for me. My vision was already blurry from all the tears, but I was obliged to hold them in, because I didn't want anyone to know my plans of leaving. I had one great friend in the team, and I could see her feeling hurt somehow. It made me rather upset also, after all it was my fault for leaving so suddenly. Everything came too quickly for her, I suppose, as she was quite lonely in the team also, she would have completely nobody to stick to after I left. As much as it added to my burdens as I left, I had to leave in the end regardless. I still recall how the scenery was when I last looked -- everyone happily chatting in groups, sitting in circles. It was so beautiful, everything I was about to put down. It hurt incredibly, even thinking about it, I no longer feel complete. That's the thing about it, no matter how much it damages my self-confidence, it's always going to be a huge part of me.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to such a community that I've loved for so long. Needless to say, I still hold the same love for it, but I'm not sure if I'm able to commit so much to it. I've lost all strength and motivation to continue moving forward in this path, thus I have no choice but to leave as soon as possible. It kills me to leave behind so much, all at once, but I do understand that it's all for the better. After all, I've been damaged so much by the hostile people of the community, as well as by the cruel fact that my talent isn't in this area. I'm useless in so many ways when it comes to this, I'd rather pursue something I'm gifted at. The passion and interest that led me to chase after this desire of mine no longer exist, and I have no more reason to continue on. After all, the community isn't something I treasure anymore, since I'm not getting anything out of it. I've hoped to reconcile with everyone for so long, but things never worked out. I'm relieved that I'm finally determined to let go of it, I feel like the world outside offers so much more for me to explore and achieve.

Leaving behind so much basically equals to taking away a part of my heart. Needless to say, especially in the near future, I'd certainly feel exceptionally empty and lonely without this pursuit of mine. However, if it's going to bring me even further, or at least strengthen my heart a bit, I'm more than willing to do so. It'll take quite a bit of time to heal for sure. I wish everyone there the best, and I hope they go on to win the whole thing with a positive mindset, of course. Let me wildly hope that, one day, they'll get rid of their judgemental and harsh attitudes towards people, so that nobody will experience such difficult times in the future. I hope for the day we all mature and become better people.

I'm taking time to heal. I don't know how much time I'll take, since I still feel incredibly intimidated and empty at times. I don't really know what is missing in me, or what I don't fully accept yet, but I'm having a hard time coping with it. I'll wait for that day when this becomes nothing but a bunch of nostalgic, happy memories. I'm not completely putting that behind though, at times when I particularly miss it, I'm comforted by the fact that I can always go back to my oldest roots and enjoy two hours of relaxed training with the kids. I promised my friend that we'd go back and visit together someday, before I left. Last but not least, I feel like I must thank everyone who has been part of my long adventure. Although I might not be on good terms with you all right now, I want to thank you for all the joy and bliss you've brought me, one way or another.

[Walking the many and unknowable paths, I followed a dim light. I'm sure it’s something we’ll do together until the end, going into a new world.]