first light

On this blog I talk about many things. Narcissistic thoughts, trivial daily matters, profound reflections that don't make sense, the sad stories I stay silent about, and much more. Most importantly, I write about people who've heavily influenced my life at some point, to remember my gratitude towards them.

Today this particular person came onto my mind. She opened my eyes to so many things, and pretty much changed my perspective of the world. I wouldn't have learnt so much without knowing and talking to her. I've never really talked about her on this blog, so I guess I will today. As usual, I'm too scared to refer to her by her actual name, so she'll remain an anonymous pronoun in this post. I met her a few years ago, back when I was in primary four. However, the first time I met her wasn't that amazing; I didn't really notice her much. But amongst all the hostility in the environment, it didn't take long for her gentleness and kindness to shine and stand out. Maybe it's just me, but it was very magical to me.

That year, it was a place filled with senior girls. I was one of the youngest, timidly following along without much authority. As much as we felt mistreated by the seniors, we couldn't do much about it. We simply talked among ourselves and came to hateful conclusions. I thought that all of them were judgemental, mean people, especially that one clan she belonged in. They would sit together in a circle all the time, obviously discussing about us, how immature and stupid we were. Little me was offended, feeling rather upset.

That year, as the days passed by, they slightly mellowed out and became easier to approach. One of my earliest memories was sitting in the waiting room in our school's temporary campus, while we waited to go for practise. It must've been something to do with official team matters, but she actually spoke to me for the first time. As we exchanged some simple words, I was amazed by how kind and warm she was. Maybe I had a completely wrong conception of her, I started to guess. That whole day became so filled with warmth and happiness, knowing that someone like her existed next to us. It was incredibly comforting to me.

Near the end of the year, we conversed a few more times. It was usually about trivial school or homework matters. Although I was nowhere near knowing her on a personal, deeper level, I was overwhelmed with gladness and gratefulness. I don't recall much about it anymore, but I still remember how delighted I was back then.

The next year, perhaps with the help of my friend, we inched slightly closer to the seniors. They were still slightly pretentious and terrible people, but it felt a lot better to be able to get closer to them. With such newfound courage and confidence, me and my friends opened up and talked to them more. It was during which I saw her great kindness even more than before. It was far beyond anything I had seen; it was almost on another level. I was introduced to a whole new kind of kindness that I hadn't experienced before.

Somehow, maybe with the help of a miracle, I was able to talk more to her. Sometimes I'd run into her in the campus, and she'd wave to me with a warm smile. I don't know how everything happened, but soon she started telling me more things, and I was able to share more things with her. I was rather friendless at that time, and she was the first real friend I had who actually cared about my problems. I would hang out with her during lunchtimes, and we would somehow just walk around the school. It was something so simple, but I was so glad. Nowadays, I'm unable to forget the happiness I had back then. After practises, she'd kindly ask me to wait for her, and that made me feel sort of significant for the first time. Our school campus back then was L-shaped, and we were able to see them from our corridor, since they were below us on the side opposite us. At times I'd spot her from the corridor and wave to her, and I'd always receive a wave back, which never failed to encouraged me, even when things were difficult. 

Christmas came, and she wrote me a nice card. Her handwriting was beautiful -- it was so mature and admirable. It was the first time someone paid effort to make a card for me, and I became so awestruck, I couldn't properly look at it for days. It's still in a box in my cupboard now, and I look at it sometimes. I could probably call it the best Christmas I ever had.

Things got slightly more tense towards Easter. It was during which I got very self-concious. I wasn't very understanding of the fact that she had other friends, and I became upset that she seemed to care less about me. I was extremely childish and naïve back then, so childish that I wasn't able to take it. Looking back now, of course I feel very foolish and embarrassed, but that helped me realize how dangerous it was to fully depend your everyday happiness on a person. I was completely unable to control my emotions, I burst into tears in front of everyone and told them what had happened. Back then, everyone pretty much laughed at me for it, but surprisingly, she was kind and wrote me a letter.

I kept that letter in my pocket for days after that, so that it would accompany me to school. Of course I don't anymore, but I still have it perfectly kept in a Ziploc bag at home. She kindly apologized in the letter, which made me feel very ashamed of myself in a way. She was nice enough and never brought that up again. 

My birthday came, and she gave me notebook for my birthday. It was a cute, delicate one. I didn't want to use it, since it was too precious to me. I didn't want to destroy or dirty it in any way. It was almost like, by writing on it, I was degrading such a beautiful notebook. So, I burried it in my shelves and took it out once in a while to look at it. I still have it kept nicely in one of my shelves now, and it's been there for almost three and a half years now. Although, that day, we were rather busy with trainings, she stopped and said happy birthday to me. It was actually the first time a friend had genuinely said happy birthday to me, and I was beyond shocked about it.

Near the final exams, she liked to study outside on the huge steps in front of the middle garden. I still remember passing by one time, and she invited me to revise with her. I wasn't ever serious about studies, so her dedication and concentration really amazed me. I really admired her, looking at how she gave her all into revising. It wasn't anything significant, but I was captivated in a way that I really wanted to become like her.

The year soon ended, and she left for secondary school. It was particularly difficult for me at that time, because keep in mind, I was rather friendless. After the last day of school that year, I walked past the minibus station as usual. She was waiting for the minibus there, and she stopped me and kindly said goodbye to me. I actually still remember the dialogues. She said something along the lines of, "maybe this will be the last time we meet." It didn't turn out to be true, of course, but I had in mind the fact that I wouldn't meet her as much anymore.

The day after, I went to Jeju (an island in South Korea) for a trip. I thought that she was going to forget about me soon after, but she actually sent me a lengthy message via Whatsapp. It's still something I can't forget. I returned to the hotel room after a day of sightseeing, and saw the long message she sent me. I was amazed and almost wanted to cry after seeing it. I never really understood why she waos being so nice to me, so I couldn't fully believe in what had happened. I was fully convinced that she'd forget about me soon after.

After school started again, I met her a few more times, once in a while. I ran into her on a few occasions, and we stopped and exchanged some words. I managed to spot her during a false fire alarm evacuation, as well as during practise sometimes. The things she shared with me decreased bit by bit, and I slowly forgot about her. It wasn't really completely forgotten, even now, but I definitely talk a lot less to her nowadays.

Nowadays, I don't really have much to say to her. I'm unsure if we still consider each other friends, but she still kindly waves at me whenever I run into her. It's still warm and friendly like the ones in the old days, often brightening up my days. It makes me very glad, even though our friendship has pretty much faded away over time.