searching
It's been almost a month since Form Four started. It's quite intense, but I think I can deal with it. Well, at least I hope so.
I don't think that I'm mentally prepared for this new year, not at all. Without any careful consideration, I jumped into many new things, many of which I'm not sure that I'm able to do well. I worry quite often that I can't allocate enough time to do my work, which makes me anxious, but since I led myself onto these paths, I've promised myself to do them all with heart and with passion. I'll try to do everything within my ability to complete things well, and to make others believe that I'm fit for my responsibilities. At the very least, I want to do that.
I still can't really fathom the fact that I'm already a senior secondary student. It's the definite truth now, but it still seems so unbelievable. Mentally, I'm definitely not prepared to enter serious public exam preparations. Now that I'm in senior form, I'm allowed to wear painful heels that don't fit my weirdly-shaped feet, which surprisingly do have an actual function -- to keep me awake with the pain it inflicts on me. To me, it's also an actual representation and reminder of my non-existent senior status in the school, as well as a failed attempt to become an elegant lady. Putting all jokes aside, I'm reminded constantly that I do need to fufill the many responsibilities that I have, and that I can't afford to joke around and run away from my work anymore.
My workload has definitely increased. It's not a bad thing, I think, because it makes me feel accomplished after I finish all my work. It's such an amazing feeling that calms me, and keeps me feeling great about life in general. I really want to do a lot, so that I won't feel any regret when everything ends.
Like everyone else, I obviously want to do well in my studies too. However, it's very hard, I must say, and I've already managed to begin the year with three bad tests. I'm not really sure what to think about it -- I want to excel, but at the same time I don't actually care that much about my results because I don't need to fight for my favourite subjects anymore. I don't really need or want good marks for any purposes, but I just don't like facing failure. I know that's a very bad mentality to have, so I'll have to work towards changing my way of thinking.
I've asked myself countless times: what am I working for? Quite often, I'm unable to provide an answer to that question. I'm not aiming for particularly big things in life, so perhaps it's just that I'm unable to accept my own failures. In the coming year, I'd like to work hard without thinking about achievements. Instead, I want to work as hard as I can and take pride in that, so in the end I can be relieved and grateful for my hard work.
I struggled at a few things. My terrible mentality convinced me that they were going to strike me hard, and that I'd never recover from my fear. However, I know very clearly that this way of thinking isn't beneficial to myself. I want to be hopeful, and I want to keep on trying so that maybe one day I can turn around the dire situation that I'm in, and make something good out of it. I want to believe that great things await me, and I want to think that there's always something good, no matter how bad the situation might seem. That's the mentality I want to live with, the thoughts that can hopefully empower me.
I don't know what the right way for me to live exactly is, but I know that I haven't given up searching yet. I'm still hopeful, and my hope is my motivation. I'll wait for that day when I find the mentality that suits me most, and until then, I'll work as hard as I can so that I have no regrets.
I don't think that I'm mentally prepared for this new year, not at all. Without any careful consideration, I jumped into many new things, many of which I'm not sure that I'm able to do well. I worry quite often that I can't allocate enough time to do my work, which makes me anxious, but since I led myself onto these paths, I've promised myself to do them all with heart and with passion. I'll try to do everything within my ability to complete things well, and to make others believe that I'm fit for my responsibilities. At the very least, I want to do that.
I still can't really fathom the fact that I'm already a senior secondary student. It's the definite truth now, but it still seems so unbelievable. Mentally, I'm definitely not prepared to enter serious public exam preparations. Now that I'm in senior form, I'm allowed to wear painful heels that don't fit my weirdly-shaped feet, which surprisingly do have an actual function -- to keep me awake with the pain it inflicts on me. To me, it's also an actual representation and reminder of my non-existent senior status in the school, as well as a failed attempt to become an elegant lady. Putting all jokes aside, I'm reminded constantly that I do need to fufill the many responsibilities that I have, and that I can't afford to joke around and run away from my work anymore.
My workload has definitely increased. It's not a bad thing, I think, because it makes me feel accomplished after I finish all my work. It's such an amazing feeling that calms me, and keeps me feeling great about life in general. I really want to do a lot, so that I won't feel any regret when everything ends.
Like everyone else, I obviously want to do well in my studies too. However, it's very hard, I must say, and I've already managed to begin the year with three bad tests. I'm not really sure what to think about it -- I want to excel, but at the same time I don't actually care that much about my results because I don't need to fight for my favourite subjects anymore. I don't really need or want good marks for any purposes, but I just don't like facing failure. I know that's a very bad mentality to have, so I'll have to work towards changing my way of thinking.
I've asked myself countless times: what am I working for? Quite often, I'm unable to provide an answer to that question. I'm not aiming for particularly big things in life, so perhaps it's just that I'm unable to accept my own failures. In the coming year, I'd like to work hard without thinking about achievements. Instead, I want to work as hard as I can and take pride in that, so in the end I can be relieved and grateful for my hard work.
I struggled at a few things. My terrible mentality convinced me that they were going to strike me hard, and that I'd never recover from my fear. However, I know very clearly that this way of thinking isn't beneficial to myself. I want to be hopeful, and I want to keep on trying so that maybe one day I can turn around the dire situation that I'm in, and make something good out of it. I want to believe that great things await me, and I want to think that there's always something good, no matter how bad the situation might seem. That's the mentality I want to live with, the thoughts that can hopefully empower me.
I don't know what the right way for me to live exactly is, but I know that I haven't given up searching yet. I'm still hopeful, and my hope is my motivation. I'll wait for that day when I find the mentality that suits me most, and until then, I'll work as hard as I can so that I have no regrets.
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let's all type some crap.