Blog 02/01/2014
Say hi to the first blog of 2014. I really have so much to say, so many things happened today at school. I guess I can't just type out all the things here. I'll talk about my biggest frustration -- me realizing how annoying my pride is. It's blocking me in the paths I've decided to take. It just makes it 9999999999999999% harder.
Honestly, I'd rather go with pride than go with happiness. I really need my pride. For example, things would be much easier if I were willing to take tutoring lessons for my maths, but I insisted that I did not need help for math and I would not ask for any. But the marks always turn out bad, and it drains me emotionally and makes me angry. I really don't want to give in because I take pride in doing maths on my own. I think you know how it feels. When you've always proudly declared that you did not need any tutors, it's hard to suddenly accept yourself as a person who needs math tutors.
And pride has affected my friendships. No one really can take my pride. I have this strong urge to do better than those I like/love, which I can't really explain. Instead of being the protective, caring, attentive friend, I always end up declaring my rivals, saying that I can be better. By being better, it's like proving to the person that I don't need anyone in order to be strong. And the fact that I could be better than someone I really admired and respected, just makes me happy and feel strong.
As much as I proudly declare my pride, I hate the things my pride does to me. It is one of the main sources of my depression. Sometimes, when I argue with someone, my pride decides to act up and I always exclaim that I did nothing wrong and therefore would not accept the punishment. That often leads to worse consequences, makes me step into a deeper hole. And I am human after all. I, too, long for happiness, and with my strong and overpowering pride, I often struggle to decide between happiness and pride. What could I say? Pride sometimes leads to happiness, but most of the times I have to sacrifice my happiness for it, just because I just want to be a proud and successful person so badly.
Would I say that the pain and sadness is worth it? Yup. It is. But I can say that, if I ever could choose to be born again with or without pride, I'd say no. Living with pride that forces you to sacrifice happiness isn't exactly the best thing to do. But being born as a person with an incredible amount of pride, I can say that it's totally worth it. And my strong-willed nature prevents, even further, my parents from changing my mind about pride. Pride gives me that feeling that I long for, that thing that I desperately need.
Pride.
Because it's a big challenge for me to feel that I'm totally powerful and proud. Because I struggle to find that confidence that can bring me to the next level. And pride does this. But I strongly advise you not to be such an avid fan of pride, even though I seem pretty cool with it, I bet you'll be like me and get sad because pride does take away your happiness, after all.
Honestly, I'd rather go with pride than go with happiness. I really need my pride. For example, things would be much easier if I were willing to take tutoring lessons for my maths, but I insisted that I did not need help for math and I would not ask for any. But the marks always turn out bad, and it drains me emotionally and makes me angry. I really don't want to give in because I take pride in doing maths on my own. I think you know how it feels. When you've always proudly declared that you did not need any tutors, it's hard to suddenly accept yourself as a person who needs math tutors.
And pride has affected my friendships. No one really can take my pride. I have this strong urge to do better than those I like/love, which I can't really explain. Instead of being the protective, caring, attentive friend, I always end up declaring my rivals, saying that I can be better. By being better, it's like proving to the person that I don't need anyone in order to be strong. And the fact that I could be better than someone I really admired and respected, just makes me happy and feel strong.
As much as I proudly declare my pride, I hate the things my pride does to me. It is one of the main sources of my depression. Sometimes, when I argue with someone, my pride decides to act up and I always exclaim that I did nothing wrong and therefore would not accept the punishment. That often leads to worse consequences, makes me step into a deeper hole. And I am human after all. I, too, long for happiness, and with my strong and overpowering pride, I often struggle to decide between happiness and pride. What could I say? Pride sometimes leads to happiness, but most of the times I have to sacrifice my happiness for it, just because I just want to be a proud and successful person so badly.
Would I say that the pain and sadness is worth it? Yup. It is. But I can say that, if I ever could choose to be born again with or without pride, I'd say no. Living with pride that forces you to sacrifice happiness isn't exactly the best thing to do. But being born as a person with an incredible amount of pride, I can say that it's totally worth it. And my strong-willed nature prevents, even further, my parents from changing my mind about pride. Pride gives me that feeling that I long for, that thing that I desperately need.
Pride.
Because it's a big challenge for me to feel that I'm totally powerful and proud. Because I struggle to find that confidence that can bring me to the next level. And pride does this. But I strongly advise you not to be such an avid fan of pride, even though I seem pretty cool with it, I bet you'll be like me and get sad because pride does take away your happiness, after all.
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